Hello blog.
I spent the afternoon with Katie today. I really actively tried this time to really not get depressed or upset around her when seeing her, because as things are, I am completely happy with every part of my life except for when I think about Katrina and I. Then things get dicey. Talking to her about it is like reading a book with no pages. When I ask her questions she only replies "I don't know", and never explains with any accuracy how she feels.
I'm going to go to Copps and get something to eat, then work out for a few hours. -_-
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
I am a flightless bird, and there will be no more after me.
I am up early, for another Christmas alone.
I am not in a bad mood though, I'm not sad, and I don't feel like I'm 'alone' (the term is just so depressing, really) but I feel happy and content in the morning for the first time in a while. Yesterday I spoke to my father for the first time in almost half a year. This whole time I knew he wasn't doing well. I knew my father was under a constant stream of pain medication, and I knew that he was out of work and poor, I knew that he was suffering the same nerve sickness that took my grandmother. Yet as my brother would report to me of my father's misgivings I never called him. You see, my father and I never saw eye to eye. We don't really understand each other, and our ways of life are very different. But when I heard he had done what is probably the nicest and most caring thing anyone has done for me in the last year (I can think of only few things that made me think to thank someone so much, the other things belong to Katrina) I called him.
He spoke slowly, and I could tell the medication the doctors had prescribed to him were rough on his body. I could tell when he would stand or walk while on the phone with me, his voice would quiver with each step. Yet, I listened to him. I told him I loved him and appreciated everything he'd done for me as a child, even if he was not a perfect father. Really, the fact of the matter is that he taught me pretty much everything I know to survive. My resourcefulness has a direct relation to how he taught me to interact with others, and how to take care of myself. He was holding back tears, but so was I.
Its not really important WHAT he did for me, or why it really matters that he went and did what he did. My father tries to be a good man, and usually falls short, and I forgive him. He may not be my friend, or someone I'd ever go to to talk, but he dedicated 18 years of his life to taking care of me, and I've never been apreciative or thankful. Whenever someone asked about my father I had only negative things to say because they were the most vivid. He never hit me, he wasn't an alchoholic and he worked every day I knew him to make money. He cooked for us and always bought us new shoes and clothes as we needed them. He took care of us, and he was a good father, even if he was not a good man.
So today, christmas, I am going to be happy that I do have family, and I'm not alone. My Mother and Father are both extremely caring, even if in their own way, even if I am not eating dinner with them tonight, or opening any gifts. So I am happy, really I am. Because of all this, for once when thinking about Katrina I do not feel any bitterness about our ordeal. She went out of her way to get me a gift (a lot of coffee, which is delicious) on Christmas, and I did for her. We smile when we see eachother, and it doesn't feel fake.
-John
I am not in a bad mood though, I'm not sad, and I don't feel like I'm 'alone' (the term is just so depressing, really) but I feel happy and content in the morning for the first time in a while. Yesterday I spoke to my father for the first time in almost half a year. This whole time I knew he wasn't doing well. I knew my father was under a constant stream of pain medication, and I knew that he was out of work and poor, I knew that he was suffering the same nerve sickness that took my grandmother. Yet as my brother would report to me of my father's misgivings I never called him. You see, my father and I never saw eye to eye. We don't really understand each other, and our ways of life are very different. But when I heard he had done what is probably the nicest and most caring thing anyone has done for me in the last year (I can think of only few things that made me think to thank someone so much, the other things belong to Katrina) I called him.
He spoke slowly, and I could tell the medication the doctors had prescribed to him were rough on his body. I could tell when he would stand or walk while on the phone with me, his voice would quiver with each step. Yet, I listened to him. I told him I loved him and appreciated everything he'd done for me as a child, even if he was not a perfect father. Really, the fact of the matter is that he taught me pretty much everything I know to survive. My resourcefulness has a direct relation to how he taught me to interact with others, and how to take care of myself. He was holding back tears, but so was I.
Its not really important WHAT he did for me, or why it really matters that he went and did what he did. My father tries to be a good man, and usually falls short, and I forgive him. He may not be my friend, or someone I'd ever go to to talk, but he dedicated 18 years of his life to taking care of me, and I've never been apreciative or thankful. Whenever someone asked about my father I had only negative things to say because they were the most vivid. He never hit me, he wasn't an alchoholic and he worked every day I knew him to make money. He cooked for us and always bought us new shoes and clothes as we needed them. He took care of us, and he was a good father, even if he was not a good man.
So today, christmas, I am going to be happy that I do have family, and I'm not alone. My Mother and Father are both extremely caring, even if in their own way, even if I am not eating dinner with them tonight, or opening any gifts. So I am happy, really I am. Because of all this, for once when thinking about Katrina I do not feel any bitterness about our ordeal. She went out of her way to get me a gift (a lot of coffee, which is delicious) on Christmas, and I did for her. We smile when we see eachother, and it doesn't feel fake.
-John
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I am your pamphleteer
Hello world. :]
Life has been progressing at the rate of a snail. I've done very little on this break really except read/write/edit work that needs to get done and sleep. I've done some Magic playing and hanging out with friends too, but collin is out of town along with most everyone who I can consistently hang out with. I wouldn't even mind hanging out with Katrina more, but she is very insistent on us seeing each other very rarely. Madison is usually out, and while Kalen is a good friend hes not really the silly gamer type (the type of person I most enjoy spending time with) or a literary intelectual.
My diet has been improving a lot lately, which is really good. I haven't had ramen in ages and I've been eating bagels, fruit, corn flakes, milk, water, and the occasional Chipolte burrito to stay fed, which has left me with a lot more energy for my daily work-out stuff than eating infinate ramen, and makes me a bit more sharp for writing/reading. I've replaced a lot of my soda drinking with coffee which is...less than perfect, but what can you do. :]
I went to Katrina's house for a few hours Monday night which was fine. We sort of just sat around and talked which was really all I was in the mood for at the time, and then I went home. It was what it was. Tuesday was fairly boring during the day (I woke up very late after staying up to finish an article) and I really just lazed around and played video games. Around one AM Kalen and Madison took me to copps to do donuts in the parking lot for twnety minutes, then I talked on facebook with Melissa Balch for 5 hours while listening to Johnny Cash (upon Kalen's request, who was finishing the beer pong table.) and interneting. Lately I've been actively talking to people who are on my facebook friends list but I literally never talk to just because it seems sort of awkward to me that they are even there. Plus I must think the person is at least tolerable to even be on my 'friends' list.
Tonight I went out and drafted at NW and tested 1.x for the tournament in a couple weeks. I went 2-1 in the draft and didn't lose a single game with my constructed deck. yayyyyyy
The rest of the week is pretty open. Everyone else is home with their familys so I'm to spend the holiday alone. Sorta lame but I'll probably get some work done.
-John
Life has been progressing at the rate of a snail. I've done very little on this break really except read/write/edit work that needs to get done and sleep. I've done some Magic playing and hanging out with friends too, but collin is out of town along with most everyone who I can consistently hang out with. I wouldn't even mind hanging out with Katrina more, but she is very insistent on us seeing each other very rarely. Madison is usually out, and while Kalen is a good friend hes not really the silly gamer type (the type of person I most enjoy spending time with) or a literary intelectual.
My diet has been improving a lot lately, which is really good. I haven't had ramen in ages and I've been eating bagels, fruit, corn flakes, milk, water, and the occasional Chipolte burrito to stay fed, which has left me with a lot more energy for my daily work-out stuff than eating infinate ramen, and makes me a bit more sharp for writing/reading. I've replaced a lot of my soda drinking with coffee which is...less than perfect, but what can you do. :]
I went to Katrina's house for a few hours Monday night which was fine. We sort of just sat around and talked which was really all I was in the mood for at the time, and then I went home. It was what it was. Tuesday was fairly boring during the day (I woke up very late after staying up to finish an article) and I really just lazed around and played video games. Around one AM Kalen and Madison took me to copps to do donuts in the parking lot for twnety minutes, then I talked on facebook with Melissa Balch for 5 hours while listening to Johnny Cash (upon Kalen's request, who was finishing the beer pong table.) and interneting. Lately I've been actively talking to people who are on my facebook friends list but I literally never talk to just because it seems sort of awkward to me that they are even there. Plus I must think the person is at least tolerable to even be on my 'friends' list.
Tonight I went out and drafted at NW and tested 1.x for the tournament in a couple weeks. I went 2-1 in the draft and didn't lose a single game with my constructed deck. yayyyyyy
The rest of the week is pretty open. Everyone else is home with their familys so I'm to spend the holiday alone. Sorta lame but I'll probably get some work done.
-John
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
It seems like life's a party where everyone gets drunk and laid - but me.
Just hopped out of the shower, feeling fine, etc. :]
Nothing much has happened in the last couple days really. I've been pretty busy lately, mostly just hanging out with friends and whatnot. Staying up late, working, and going to walmart/perkins at 2am with Kalen and Madison. Magic has been exceedingly fun lately, maybe the more relaxed and less competitive approach has inceased my enjoyment. :]
Something I really never told anyone (mostly out of embaressment) but have been telling a lot more people lately is that women make me rediculously nervous. The act of being in the same room as someone of the opposite gender makes my palms sweat, and makes me generally nervous feeling. Why? I don't know. I dated Katrina for two years and I still cannot talk to her without feeling nervous. Every single girl I meet I am nervous around. I'm not sure why this is honestly, but I've become very good at hiding it I suppose. Its not something I can work past, or get better with, its just sort of a part of who I am. I wish that wasn't the case sometimes (most of the time) but hey, what can you do. I just happened to be terrified of girls. That is unfortunate because I'm straight as well. Le sigh. =P
Not really sure what to say here. I've had a lot of private blog entries lately but that feels so greedy :P
Saturday, December 19, 2009
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits.
Hello world.
Since we last left our hero, I've paid the electricity bill, ate lots and lots of Chipoltle (omg burritoes) and 1-2 drop'd a magic event =(
Really like hasn't been too exciting. Pretty sure Nicole isn't interested in a 'relationship' (they all want to be my friend though it seems; frustrating) just judging by the way she acts around me. But hey, you can't win em all...or any of them. >.<
Collin spent the night last night and we played like infinite video games, it was really fun browsing on his OKC profile looking for cute boys while he was like "ugly, ugly, ugly, WOW NO WAY, ugly, this guy messaged me and I NEVER messaged him back, etc, etc, etc" It was pretty funny and we ate some enormous quanitity of chinese food during. We also played hon!
I have a tournament in minneapolis in two weeks, but other than that I'll just be working and hanging out with people and whatnot.
Since we last left our hero, I've paid the electricity bill, ate lots and lots of Chipoltle (omg burritoes) and 1-2 drop'd a magic event =(
Really like hasn't been too exciting. Pretty sure Nicole isn't interested in a 'relationship' (they all want to be my friend though it seems; frustrating) just judging by the way she acts around me. But hey, you can't win em all...or any of them. >.<
Collin spent the night last night and we played like infinite video games, it was really fun browsing on his OKC profile looking for cute boys while he was like "ugly, ugly, ugly, WOW NO WAY, ugly, this guy messaged me and I NEVER messaged him back, etc, etc, etc" It was pretty funny and we ate some enormous quanitity of chinese food during. We also played hon!
I have a tournament in minneapolis in two weeks, but other than that I'll just be working and hanging out with people and whatnot.
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