I am an excellent steel horse~

Hey, its been a couple days since I've been here.

Oh, nothing too exciting, just the usual depressed, generally unhappy John.  You know, its pretty classic these days to be experiencing my own lame-ness in full effect, and I can't really say I deserve anything else.  I'm working on getting a job, have a weird sort of writing gig going on at TCGPlayer, and am attending my classes as planned.  It may not be the most interesting set of thigns in the world (though sometimes I wish it were more interesting) but I'm getting it done.

I have no idea what to do about ms. Gray, I feel like such a dog whenever her and I talk.  Its like, so absurdly difficult to just resist doing whatever she wants me to do, and the only way for me to not be completely destroyed in her wake is to avoid her whenever possible.  I'm getting off her cellphone plan as my mom is buying me a pretty sweet cellphone to use on her plan, which is super nice of her.  =O  Not to mention having a tricked out cellphone sounds kinda fun.  Considering I had little to no contact with Katie in the last week, never seeing her again should be easy, right?

Its sort of weird wearing clothes that don't have your own personal scent on them.  Its like, I'm wearing this shirt that is my fathers and I can still vaguely smell the cigarette smoke in it.  Like I'm putting on someone else's skin...creeeepppyyy.

It's hard to tell someone they've fucked up, especially when they don't even know what they've done to themselves.  I've tried to explain how wonderful I am (and if you know me, I'm quite fabulous) and that you'll never have me back, and I'm a person whos intelligence, creativity and caring far surpasses that of most anyone else's, and certainly of her other friends.  I hate that if I say I'll never see you again, within a year's time she'll be on my front porch crying, asking me to take her back.  Or she'll be aggressively trying to contact me.  These things I feel are unavoidable. 

So I dip this pen in arsenic to write a song for every president that, won't ever get shot in the face.

I had my hands pinned down, like

those insects entomologists study

gripping tightly to the rough edges of the

mattress.  I was laying like you had before

when I had stood at the foot of the bed,

my arrogance aloft - though you never

batted an eyelash.  We had met at 

the republican headquarters,

as time travelers who disagreed

with the state of affairs.  You were

something like Galatea, one hell of a girl.

We could sparsely hold a conversation.

But now, in our time-space continuum 

bedroom I found myself unable to move,

or breath.  It was something beautiful, like

being choked or hundreds of pigeons dying

in mass extinction.  I hadn't forgotten about your

eyes, though I hadn't seen them in something like

four days.  If I were a butterfly in this entomology

lab, you had not only pins but sutures along

with my fears and pains and dreams, my sickness

to use as tools with those black latex gloves on.

You knew love was a sickness in me, and

I love to be sick.

Now that I know whats inside you // I know I don't want you // I know I don't want you~

The last few days have been pretty ok, and by ok I mean generally stressful but only because I make things stressful in my own mind that really, REALLY don't need to be.

So Katie and I got into a fight, it was a pretty big fight, and I hate fights, and I'm not going to detail the lovely result of that fight, but lets say nothing can ever get broken off cleanly, there are always those little shards of glass lodged beneath the skin that as your muscles move, cut themselves deeper and deeper, until one day you'll probably have to get them surgically removed, and the doctor will ask "Why did  you go jumping through windows again?" And intelligently, I won't have an answer.

Collin came over which was a ton of fun to hang out with him.  I sort of wish he'd come over more, but between school and the fact that he lives many a mile away, makes it less likely that I'll see him at any place other than Netherworld games.  We played a ton of HoN together and drank some two liters of soda we walked to Copps to purchase.  All was good!

Katie Lee came over last night, but she really couldn't stay as long as she could have liked due to th fact that there was some sort of 'medical emergency' she had to attend to, but refused to cough up any details regarding it.  So she only stayed for a meager hour and a half (two hours?) before running off to do something that I don't know anything about.  It's nice seeing her, its such a weird feeling reuniting with an old friend especially after so long.

This morning I had some business at MATC, and some job applications to file, and now I am home, probably to play HoN and watch Scrubs with George.  Life ain't so bad something, especially when I don't spend it all worrying about things I have minimal control over.

-John

All those 'best songs' - Whats so best about 'em?

Ugh.  I hate these moments of my life where everything is just sort of fucked for no reason.  I really just want my financial aid to come, want to pay these bills we have to pay, and want to have a real girlfriend again.  Its not a ton of things to ask of, and god damn I want to have the motivation like some people to work + do school.  I just suck so much.  Everyone I know who is in college is like working 20 hours a week and taking four classes, and I'm taking three classes and not working at all?  I'm such a fuck-up I feel so stupid sometimes, for no reason.

I need to get my shit straight, and do it now.  If there ever was a time to stop being such a fuck-face about my life and a laze-ass now is the time, I really need to just do my own thing and study hard, work hard, etc.  I don't care if I'm going to be rich in 3 months, I just need to do this stuff now. :/

I just want to feel the taste of the meal, and not the rotuine of dining here.

Heya,

a long time friend I have not seen in many many years is coming to visit tonight, and I'm pretty nervous about it.  It sort of feels like a blind date in a weird way, because I haven't seen a photograph of her...ever?  But I know what she looked like 3-4 years ago, but as you know people change, so I just don't know what to expect.  It will probably be fun either way, we're going to hang out, catchup, and watch some movies together! :]

School has been going pretty well, nothing too too exciting.  Took an exam and turned in a paper.  The normal day to day stuff that you would expect to happen in...well classes.  =O

I don't think I ever mentioned the concert I went to in my blog, but it was totally freakin' awesome.   I saw Rock Plaza Central and the Weakerthans at the High Noon Saloon on. E Wash like 4 days ago or something, and it was seriously one of the best shows ever.  The bands were both great (As expected) and the venue was close to home and nice.  My fake ID scheme worked (borrow my brother's ID) and I managed to get in scott free.  After the show we ran into Ben Rasmussen, which was really strange (like SUPER strange) because he doesn't in any way like Indie music whatsoever, but he was with a some people including a girl named Nicole who was interested in the weakerthans.  Took a cab home, fin.

Been loving the Mates of State lately, and my TCG player job should be in full swing soon which is nice.  I might want to try and get another job in addition to that, or maybe next semester I'll stop being lazy and be more like Kalen and take like 6 classes at once O_O