So I sit and pretend like I don't mind that I don't know you, or what your schedule might look like on any given Thursday afternoon.

Hello!

After staying up for 38 hours and sleeping for 13 I feel much better now.

It tends to be at times like these when I have difficultly updating my blog, or when I have difficultly allowing myself to place any of my feelings here especially when so many people read it.

Regardless, today was a very relaxing day of doing very little. I woke up around 1 to hang out with Madison, pay rent a tad late (whoops) and get something to eat from the grocery store. I wrote some poetry and played HoN with collin, started my article for this week, and listened to old techno music I used to like from back when I played DDR often. I then proceeded to work out and play more video games. -_-;;

In typical Madison (the person) fashion, I was sitting at my computer playing HoN with him passed out on the couch, and over the microphone in HoN I was just being a random internet douche to some guy in the game I was playing (to be fair he was being SUPER annoying) and right about when the game ended Madison rolls over and off the couch and says "what were you bitching about, you woke me up a while ago?" I explained my general frustration with my teammate from the game, and Madison said something to the effect of "You really shouldn't take your 'I got rejected so I'm frustrated' rage out on random internet kids." What can I say, when you live with someone for almost three years (and pretty much tell him everything) you start to really understand exactly when someone is even remotely frustrated or upset about something that happened to them, especially if its dragging on. I could only reply

"ya got me."

When Madison is trying to make me feel better about something, he tends to say the exact wrong thing, or just makes me not think about the problem at all. What is amazing about the exact wrong thing is that it often makes me feel 100x better than anything that anyone could say that is even remotely accurate. The conversation went like this

Madison - "Yea dude she was totally hot, like way out of your league. You usually date average to ugly chicks with good personalities. So do you like have no chance of ever getting any with her, or like, you have a small chance if you play it right, because right now I'm crushing you in the 'whos getting their dick wet' contest."

Me - "I don't care about any of that or how attractive she is, it was probably the last thing on my mind."

Madison - "If you're not thinking about having sex with her then she's probably not the right guy for you, but it was probably the fact that you're condescending and arrogent, and she just isn't into that."

Me - "The thought crossed my mind... -_- but you're probably right about the latter."

Madison - "Honestly, all college girls are like this. Say one thing, do another, act like they want a relationship, kiss you and then say no. You shouldn't actually worry about it. Dating girls in college looking for an actual relationship is like playing magic knowing that no matter what you'll go 0-2 drop at every tournament. Until you're 30 you aren't winning a single match. Girls just want to have fun...or something, plus by the sounds of it you aren't a big enough heartbreaker for her. Some girls just want for you to be the type that may just fuck them over for no reason. Besides, did she even wait till your 'my heart is broken' card to resolve before she played 'stradle you '? (oh magic references)

Me - "I have a good poker face...*sigh* I'm not going to cheat on girls and treat them like crap just because it will probably get me laid."

Madison - "Who fucking cares about you or your feelings, the way you treated Katie for two years makes any guy look like shit compared to you, and you're vastly the smartest and nicest person I know, so stop being a fucker and buy this soda for me."

I bought him two bottles of RC from the vending machine, the Pepsi was sold out, so I got Cherry Pepsi and a Root Beer. On the way home we talked about Arielle very little, I didn't really want to anymore, I just figured this is the 'well thats that, look for another girl' conversation that I've been waiting to have with someone so they could tell me that Im great and I should look for someone who deserves me. Insted Madison insulted me and bragged about how hes getting laid and met this totally awesome chick, with some random advice thrown in. It beats the hell out of someone telling you "better luck next time kid!"

So maybe what he says is true, being that every girl I've met after highschool has been worse about getting involved in relationships with me than every single girl I've met after, perhaps part three is being middle aged. Lets fucking hope not.

That was vastly more text than I wanted to spend on the subject matter (mostly because it makes me sound like I am obsessed or overly interested in a person I barely know when in fact I'm just overly analytical and boring) so i'll cut it there.

I don't have any plans at all for god damn ever, and I'd really love it if anyone called me this week with the express interest in hanging out with me. It seems like my phone rings less and less lately, mostly because I'm the only person I know who isn't completely flooded with school work to do. My article will be done, and finals are coming up but I don't have to study for any of my classes, I already known everything I've supposedly 'learned' this semester, and could have probably taken the final and passed in 3/4 classes anyway.


That is all, my next updates will hopefully be far less miserable.
---

Breaking up, and down.

My legs hung over the edge of
her futon couch. Narrow room -
the noise of her tears, my hands
around her neck. The blinking
of wet eyelids never popped
with such ferocity.

With my hands in my lap,
her legs drapped over my
legs I met the encroaching
goodbye sink deep, its anchor
in my gut.

You should leave now, I can't
do this,

is what I'd hear. Such a small
voice.