I'm unconsoled, I'm lonely, I am so much better than I used to be.

Hello blog.

Its been some time, really. I haven't really needed you, or wanted you but that's the nice thing about blogs (and friends, I suppose) that they're there when you want them, and now early in the morning after sleeping for 3 hours (I couldn't sleep much for once, no clue why) I am blogging. Maybe I'll do it more, or maybe I won't, we'll see.

Live has been extremely busy, especially for someone who claims to have a laid back life style, who's barely worked a day in his life, and for someone who cares far too little about responsibility, or being adult, or anything like that. Starcraft 2 is out, and after committing what seems like the better part of my life locked up in a cold basement playing a 2d strategy game I am now spending the 2nd half of the better part of my life locked up in my apartment playing a 3d strategy game and making a fair bit of money doing so. Sure I made money the first time around, but nothing like I'll be raking in now. I can't decide if its worth it though, its almost depressing as I pass in skill player after player pushing the limits of this game already. I got to rank 2 in a week. What the hell?

Nothing much has changed about me dear. I still sleep like a rock for 10 hours or more if left alone, I rarely do things I'm supposed to do or that I'm responsible to do, I'm a flake and care more about my 'job' and gaming than I do other people, and I still feel guilty for not being in school. Really, nothing much has changed, except that I'm happy. I feel like that has to account for something in the world. You know, I try to keep the apartment clean, I take care of Butters and see Sarah from time to time. She says she loves me.

Resentment for what you've done in the past, or things you could have been or done is deeply the most troubling thing I've ever experienced really, and now that I'm past it and able to act with a certain clarity I don't feel I've had since high school. I realize that I may not be the best boyfriend right now, and Starcraft 2 seems like a silly thing to commit my time to, and maybe I'm just a boy and that girl will never be right for me. Those with college educations and real jobs just levels above me, I really can't say right now. I haven't written a poem in months.

It all seems to be a complicated dream of dignity. A place where awkward belongs. =)

---

Her fingers dragged on the seams
of my slim jeans, a network of
tiny gaps and grids. A maze
for germs, or a place to
stare blankly at an endlessly
repeating pattern.

The four was never a hybrid
bus, it was decrepit; the ghetto
lined with the humiliation of age,
guzzling gasoline on the poorly paved
tar streets of Madison. It still had
that electric robot voice though,

"Oak, at East Washington."

The bus was a real gentlemen. She
had paid for dinner again and
I had slept through our plans.
My excitement dwindled, I could
do very little about the persistent
tapping of my chucks against the
plastic flooring of the bus.

She wrapped her arms around my
ribcage. I always missed that feeling
the most.