Hello blog.
I spent the afternoon with Katie today. I really actively tried this time to really not get depressed or upset around her when seeing her, because as things are, I am completely happy with every part of my life except for when I think about Katrina and I. Then things get dicey. Talking to her about it is like reading a book with no pages. When I ask her questions she only replies "I don't know", and never explains with any accuracy how she feels.
I'm going to go to Copps and get something to eat, then work out for a few hours. -_-
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
I am a flightless bird, and there will be no more after me.
I am up early, for another Christmas alone.
I am not in a bad mood though, I'm not sad, and I don't feel like I'm 'alone' (the term is just so depressing, really) but I feel happy and content in the morning for the first time in a while. Yesterday I spoke to my father for the first time in almost half a year. This whole time I knew he wasn't doing well. I knew my father was under a constant stream of pain medication, and I knew that he was out of work and poor, I knew that he was suffering the same nerve sickness that took my grandmother. Yet as my brother would report to me of my father's misgivings I never called him. You see, my father and I never saw eye to eye. We don't really understand each other, and our ways of life are very different. But when I heard he had done what is probably the nicest and most caring thing anyone has done for me in the last year (I can think of only few things that made me think to thank someone so much, the other things belong to Katrina) I called him.
He spoke slowly, and I could tell the medication the doctors had prescribed to him were rough on his body. I could tell when he would stand or walk while on the phone with me, his voice would quiver with each step. Yet, I listened to him. I told him I loved him and appreciated everything he'd done for me as a child, even if he was not a perfect father. Really, the fact of the matter is that he taught me pretty much everything I know to survive. My resourcefulness has a direct relation to how he taught me to interact with others, and how to take care of myself. He was holding back tears, but so was I.
Its not really important WHAT he did for me, or why it really matters that he went and did what he did. My father tries to be a good man, and usually falls short, and I forgive him. He may not be my friend, or someone I'd ever go to to talk, but he dedicated 18 years of his life to taking care of me, and I've never been apreciative or thankful. Whenever someone asked about my father I had only negative things to say because they were the most vivid. He never hit me, he wasn't an alchoholic and he worked every day I knew him to make money. He cooked for us and always bought us new shoes and clothes as we needed them. He took care of us, and he was a good father, even if he was not a good man.
So today, christmas, I am going to be happy that I do have family, and I'm not alone. My Mother and Father are both extremely caring, even if in their own way, even if I am not eating dinner with them tonight, or opening any gifts. So I am happy, really I am. Because of all this, for once when thinking about Katrina I do not feel any bitterness about our ordeal. She went out of her way to get me a gift (a lot of coffee, which is delicious) on Christmas, and I did for her. We smile when we see eachother, and it doesn't feel fake.
-John
I am not in a bad mood though, I'm not sad, and I don't feel like I'm 'alone' (the term is just so depressing, really) but I feel happy and content in the morning for the first time in a while. Yesterday I spoke to my father for the first time in almost half a year. This whole time I knew he wasn't doing well. I knew my father was under a constant stream of pain medication, and I knew that he was out of work and poor, I knew that he was suffering the same nerve sickness that took my grandmother. Yet as my brother would report to me of my father's misgivings I never called him. You see, my father and I never saw eye to eye. We don't really understand each other, and our ways of life are very different. But when I heard he had done what is probably the nicest and most caring thing anyone has done for me in the last year (I can think of only few things that made me think to thank someone so much, the other things belong to Katrina) I called him.
He spoke slowly, and I could tell the medication the doctors had prescribed to him were rough on his body. I could tell when he would stand or walk while on the phone with me, his voice would quiver with each step. Yet, I listened to him. I told him I loved him and appreciated everything he'd done for me as a child, even if he was not a perfect father. Really, the fact of the matter is that he taught me pretty much everything I know to survive. My resourcefulness has a direct relation to how he taught me to interact with others, and how to take care of myself. He was holding back tears, but so was I.
Its not really important WHAT he did for me, or why it really matters that he went and did what he did. My father tries to be a good man, and usually falls short, and I forgive him. He may not be my friend, or someone I'd ever go to to talk, but he dedicated 18 years of his life to taking care of me, and I've never been apreciative or thankful. Whenever someone asked about my father I had only negative things to say because they were the most vivid. He never hit me, he wasn't an alchoholic and he worked every day I knew him to make money. He cooked for us and always bought us new shoes and clothes as we needed them. He took care of us, and he was a good father, even if he was not a good man.
So today, christmas, I am going to be happy that I do have family, and I'm not alone. My Mother and Father are both extremely caring, even if in their own way, even if I am not eating dinner with them tonight, or opening any gifts. So I am happy, really I am. Because of all this, for once when thinking about Katrina I do not feel any bitterness about our ordeal. She went out of her way to get me a gift (a lot of coffee, which is delicious) on Christmas, and I did for her. We smile when we see eachother, and it doesn't feel fake.
-John
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I am your pamphleteer
Hello world. :]
Life has been progressing at the rate of a snail. I've done very little on this break really except read/write/edit work that needs to get done and sleep. I've done some Magic playing and hanging out with friends too, but collin is out of town along with most everyone who I can consistently hang out with. I wouldn't even mind hanging out with Katrina more, but she is very insistent on us seeing each other very rarely. Madison is usually out, and while Kalen is a good friend hes not really the silly gamer type (the type of person I most enjoy spending time with) or a literary intelectual.
My diet has been improving a lot lately, which is really good. I haven't had ramen in ages and I've been eating bagels, fruit, corn flakes, milk, water, and the occasional Chipolte burrito to stay fed, which has left me with a lot more energy for my daily work-out stuff than eating infinate ramen, and makes me a bit more sharp for writing/reading. I've replaced a lot of my soda drinking with coffee which is...less than perfect, but what can you do. :]
I went to Katrina's house for a few hours Monday night which was fine. We sort of just sat around and talked which was really all I was in the mood for at the time, and then I went home. It was what it was. Tuesday was fairly boring during the day (I woke up very late after staying up to finish an article) and I really just lazed around and played video games. Around one AM Kalen and Madison took me to copps to do donuts in the parking lot for twnety minutes, then I talked on facebook with Melissa Balch for 5 hours while listening to Johnny Cash (upon Kalen's request, who was finishing the beer pong table.) and interneting. Lately I've been actively talking to people who are on my facebook friends list but I literally never talk to just because it seems sort of awkward to me that they are even there. Plus I must think the person is at least tolerable to even be on my 'friends' list.
Tonight I went out and drafted at NW and tested 1.x for the tournament in a couple weeks. I went 2-1 in the draft and didn't lose a single game with my constructed deck. yayyyyyy
The rest of the week is pretty open. Everyone else is home with their familys so I'm to spend the holiday alone. Sorta lame but I'll probably get some work done.
-John
Life has been progressing at the rate of a snail. I've done very little on this break really except read/write/edit work that needs to get done and sleep. I've done some Magic playing and hanging out with friends too, but collin is out of town along with most everyone who I can consistently hang out with. I wouldn't even mind hanging out with Katrina more, but she is very insistent on us seeing each other very rarely. Madison is usually out, and while Kalen is a good friend hes not really the silly gamer type (the type of person I most enjoy spending time with) or a literary intelectual.
My diet has been improving a lot lately, which is really good. I haven't had ramen in ages and I've been eating bagels, fruit, corn flakes, milk, water, and the occasional Chipolte burrito to stay fed, which has left me with a lot more energy for my daily work-out stuff than eating infinate ramen, and makes me a bit more sharp for writing/reading. I've replaced a lot of my soda drinking with coffee which is...less than perfect, but what can you do. :]
I went to Katrina's house for a few hours Monday night which was fine. We sort of just sat around and talked which was really all I was in the mood for at the time, and then I went home. It was what it was. Tuesday was fairly boring during the day (I woke up very late after staying up to finish an article) and I really just lazed around and played video games. Around one AM Kalen and Madison took me to copps to do donuts in the parking lot for twnety minutes, then I talked on facebook with Melissa Balch for 5 hours while listening to Johnny Cash (upon Kalen's request, who was finishing the beer pong table.) and interneting. Lately I've been actively talking to people who are on my facebook friends list but I literally never talk to just because it seems sort of awkward to me that they are even there. Plus I must think the person is at least tolerable to even be on my 'friends' list.
Tonight I went out and drafted at NW and tested 1.x for the tournament in a couple weeks. I went 2-1 in the draft and didn't lose a single game with my constructed deck. yayyyyyy
The rest of the week is pretty open. Everyone else is home with their familys so I'm to spend the holiday alone. Sorta lame but I'll probably get some work done.
-John
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
It seems like life's a party where everyone gets drunk and laid - but me.
Just hopped out of the shower, feeling fine, etc. :]
Nothing much has happened in the last couple days really. I've been pretty busy lately, mostly just hanging out with friends and whatnot. Staying up late, working, and going to walmart/perkins at 2am with Kalen and Madison. Magic has been exceedingly fun lately, maybe the more relaxed and less competitive approach has inceased my enjoyment. :]
Something I really never told anyone (mostly out of embaressment) but have been telling a lot more people lately is that women make me rediculously nervous. The act of being in the same room as someone of the opposite gender makes my palms sweat, and makes me generally nervous feeling. Why? I don't know. I dated Katrina for two years and I still cannot talk to her without feeling nervous. Every single girl I meet I am nervous around. I'm not sure why this is honestly, but I've become very good at hiding it I suppose. Its not something I can work past, or get better with, its just sort of a part of who I am. I wish that wasn't the case sometimes (most of the time) but hey, what can you do. I just happened to be terrified of girls. That is unfortunate because I'm straight as well. Le sigh. =P
Not really sure what to say here. I've had a lot of private blog entries lately but that feels so greedy :P
Saturday, December 19, 2009
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits.
Hello world.
Since we last left our hero, I've paid the electricity bill, ate lots and lots of Chipoltle (omg burritoes) and 1-2 drop'd a magic event =(
Really like hasn't been too exciting. Pretty sure Nicole isn't interested in a 'relationship' (they all want to be my friend though it seems; frustrating) just judging by the way she acts around me. But hey, you can't win em all...or any of them. >.<
Collin spent the night last night and we played like infinite video games, it was really fun browsing on his OKC profile looking for cute boys while he was like "ugly, ugly, ugly, WOW NO WAY, ugly, this guy messaged me and I NEVER messaged him back, etc, etc, etc" It was pretty funny and we ate some enormous quanitity of chinese food during. We also played hon!
I have a tournament in minneapolis in two weeks, but other than that I'll just be working and hanging out with people and whatnot.
Since we last left our hero, I've paid the electricity bill, ate lots and lots of Chipoltle (omg burritoes) and 1-2 drop'd a magic event =(
Really like hasn't been too exciting. Pretty sure Nicole isn't interested in a 'relationship' (they all want to be my friend though it seems; frustrating) just judging by the way she acts around me. But hey, you can't win em all...or any of them. >.<
Collin spent the night last night and we played like infinite video games, it was really fun browsing on his OKC profile looking for cute boys while he was like "ugly, ugly, ugly, WOW NO WAY, ugly, this guy messaged me and I NEVER messaged him back, etc, etc, etc" It was pretty funny and we ate some enormous quanitity of chinese food during. We also played hon!
I have a tournament in minneapolis in two weeks, but other than that I'll just be working and hanging out with people and whatnot.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I write down good reasons to freeze to death, in my spiral ring notebook.
Oh dear has my life been busy o.o
What have I done in the last couple days since my poetry update? Well...
I received a series of calls from my mother explaining that the book counterpart of the screenplay deal is going into its editing process before publication, and that I need to read through and edit the whole thing. I finished off season four of Dexter (wow this show is good) and figured out that I won't be attending school next semester because of some financial stuff, and some "I'm going to be busy" =)
I met a girl named Nicole, shes really cute (and by cute, I pretty much mean dead hot, but I don't want to come off like a pig) and very smart. Shes read Kafka (as much as I have!) Murakami and Vonnegut, and we've had huge at length discussions about it already. Shes a poet as well, and honestly I'm really excited to get to know her more. Ive been trying to be less awkward/shy, and its easier when we can both talk about something we love (and have arguments about philosophy!) She also has good taste in music.
If the exclamations didn't give it away, I'm excited.
I saw my ex today, talking about it tears me up inside so I'll refrain from doing so publicly.
What have I done in the last couple days since my poetry update? Well...
I received a series of calls from my mother explaining that the book counterpart of the screenplay deal is going into its editing process before publication, and that I need to read through and edit the whole thing. I finished off season four of Dexter (wow this show is good) and figured out that I won't be attending school next semester because of some financial stuff, and some "I'm going to be busy" =)
I met a girl named Nicole, shes really cute (and by cute, I pretty much mean dead hot, but I don't want to come off like a pig) and very smart. Shes read Kafka (as much as I have!) Murakami and Vonnegut, and we've had huge at length discussions about it already. Shes a poet as well, and honestly I'm really excited to get to know her more. Ive been trying to be less awkward/shy, and its easier when we can both talk about something we love (and have arguments about philosophy!) She also has good taste in music.
If the exclamations didn't give it away, I'm excited.
I saw my ex today, talking about it tears me up inside so I'll refrain from doing so publicly.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
The glove compartment isn't accurately named.
Nerds
Those glasses are definitely glasses,
that witch nose holds them up -
thick black frames with freckles to
boot. You ask me which nerdy
TV show I am watching next.
The winter air from the 2nd story
balcony of my apartment lingered.
We both hate this time of year, you
lit another cigarette and sighed. For
all your intricacies, the dress
that you bought from Saint Vinny's
thrift store was more than likely
whiter than snow had ever been,
and your untanned indoor skin
could have only been developed
from hours of watching 70s cult
classics on VHS. I wish I knew about
more indie music to impress you,
or could quote Army of Darkness
with such clarity. You were on a
different level.
These Things in Common
I was sitting cross legged
on my green couch. You threw
your legs with little grace over the
cushions and lay your head in my lap.
I could only think that my belt buckle
was causing your head harm. I focused on
the object of your head, the lead
weight on my thigh
or the blank stare of the television
trying to communicate to me topics
of conversation were the opposite
of my concerns. Which awkward place for
my arm; what piece of you is "PG"?
After it was all said I pushed my lips
against you (hunched over, I felt
the cold sweat on my back)
but nothing was organic, not even
the tea from my mother's care package.
Something About Pink
There is something about pink hair
now that I had spent two years
opening my eyes to the smell
of her scalp. That hair
dye smell. My pillow cases
all have a pink smudge still.
There are pink flowers, and then
there is pink hair. When I saw your
pick hair, I did not think about flowers,
but in reverse it was all I could muster.
You looked so much younger in pink -
at least we were younger, and my opinions
and thoughts of your hair
mattered so much more.
Untitled
The birds cared more about
my poetry than you ever did,
even though I never wrote
many poems about birds.
Those glasses are definitely glasses,
that witch nose holds them up -
thick black frames with freckles to
boot. You ask me which nerdy
TV show I am watching next.
The winter air from the 2nd story
balcony of my apartment lingered.
We both hate this time of year, you
lit another cigarette and sighed. For
all your intricacies, the dress
that you bought from Saint Vinny's
thrift store was more than likely
whiter than snow had ever been,
and your untanned indoor skin
could have only been developed
from hours of watching 70s cult
classics on VHS. I wish I knew about
more indie music to impress you,
or could quote Army of Darkness
with such clarity. You were on a
different level.
These Things in Common
I was sitting cross legged
on my green couch. You threw
your legs with little grace over the
cushions and lay your head in my lap.
I could only think that my belt buckle
was causing your head harm. I focused on
the object of your head, the lead
weight on my thigh
or the blank stare of the television
trying to communicate to me topics
of conversation were the opposite
of my concerns. Which awkward place for
my arm; what piece of you is "PG"?
After it was all said I pushed my lips
against you (hunched over, I felt
the cold sweat on my back)
but nothing was organic, not even
the tea from my mother's care package.
Something About Pink
There is something about pink hair
now that I had spent two years
opening my eyes to the smell
of her scalp. That hair
dye smell. My pillow cases
all have a pink smudge still.
There are pink flowers, and then
there is pink hair. When I saw your
pick hair, I did not think about flowers,
but in reverse it was all I could muster.
You looked so much younger in pink -
at least we were younger, and my opinions
and thoughts of your hair
mattered so much more.
Untitled
The birds cared more about
my poetry than you ever did,
even though I never wrote
many poems about birds.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I'm moving on - I hope you're coming with me
=O
Arggggg, so bored!
I started this post last night before I was to go to sleep, but ended up lacking the motivation to really finish it. Perhaps because nothing too exciting has been happening in life, or because I was too busy being constantly pestered to game by my Internets friends.
So it turns out since financial aid is crushing my soul by being total assfaces for no reason, I need to come up with 1300$ out of pocket to keep attending school. I have a few reasonable options but all of which involve asking relatives for money, and I genuinely refuse to do to. The final option is to wait until...you know, and then go to school, but I feel like I've taken enough time off school for gaming stuff and I really just want to be hammering 6 classes a semester until I'm caught up. Ideally I'd like to graduate as early as possible (still behind my class if I were to have started out of HS unfortunately) by taking maximum classes a semester and summer courses. Either way, it would involve getting money from my relatives (to be fair most of whom know about whats going on in the writing / movie world with me and my mother) and I just hate doing that. I hate accepting or asking money from anyone and it bothers me to no fucking end to have to borrow or just take free money off people who worked hard for it, even if it would be very easy for me to pay them back in the future, or even if its for a good cause, like my 'education'.
I really dislike how I have to get this piece of paper telling me I'm educated, how my family expects me to, and how I'll never be able to date an inteligent grad student girl if I'm out of school and have no degree, or how I'll have to be a genuis of a writer to actually teach as a professor at a university if I don't get a PHD in something. It just seems like such a huge blowout that no matter how inteligent I already am I need a piece of paper to prove it and then, only then will I have a shot at getting the actual job I want with my life. Of course there is the 'just be a writer since you've already gotten your break' option, but I can't help but feel lazy or stupid then. Blah I hate emotion, and thoughts. Go away!
---
back from the bus stop, turns out I won't be participating in the Bascom Hill snowball fight today as buses are not running. What a disapointment. :[
Ive written poetry lately, enjoy.
-John
---
She never writes good poetry
and I can never tell her why. I
can never explain that her sylables are
not silhouettes, her mouth does not
move when she types each word, she
does not pronouce those words alloud.
She is detached from her poetry,
a surgeon with mask watching her patient
lay still on a hospital bed.
Snow
I met her at the Bascom Hill
snowball fight. It was a civil war,
the kind of war you read about
in your 2nd grade history class
wondering if Jenny will say
'Hi' to you at lunch today.
But of course, she won't,
and this girl won't call me back,
despite our brutal struggle
as comrades on the battlefield.
Arggggg, so bored!
I started this post last night before I was to go to sleep, but ended up lacking the motivation to really finish it. Perhaps because nothing too exciting has been happening in life, or because I was too busy being constantly pestered to game by my Internets friends.
So it turns out since financial aid is crushing my soul by being total assfaces for no reason, I need to come up with 1300$ out of pocket to keep attending school. I have a few reasonable options but all of which involve asking relatives for money, and I genuinely refuse to do to. The final option is to wait until...you know, and then go to school, but I feel like I've taken enough time off school for gaming stuff and I really just want to be hammering 6 classes a semester until I'm caught up. Ideally I'd like to graduate as early as possible (still behind my class if I were to have started out of HS unfortunately) by taking maximum classes a semester and summer courses. Either way, it would involve getting money from my relatives (to be fair most of whom know about whats going on in the writing / movie world with me and my mother) and I just hate doing that. I hate accepting or asking money from anyone and it bothers me to no fucking end to have to borrow or just take free money off people who worked hard for it, even if it would be very easy for me to pay them back in the future, or even if its for a good cause, like my 'education'.
I really dislike how I have to get this piece of paper telling me I'm educated, how my family expects me to, and how I'll never be able to date an inteligent grad student girl if I'm out of school and have no degree, or how I'll have to be a genuis of a writer to actually teach as a professor at a university if I don't get a PHD in something. It just seems like such a huge blowout that no matter how inteligent I already am I need a piece of paper to prove it and then, only then will I have a shot at getting the actual job I want with my life. Of course there is the 'just be a writer since you've already gotten your break' option, but I can't help but feel lazy or stupid then. Blah I hate emotion, and thoughts. Go away!
---
back from the bus stop, turns out I won't be participating in the Bascom Hill snowball fight today as buses are not running. What a disapointment. :[
Ive written poetry lately, enjoy.
-John
---
She never writes good poetry
and I can never tell her why. I
can never explain that her sylables are
not silhouettes, her mouth does not
move when she types each word, she
does not pronouce those words alloud.
She is detached from her poetry,
a surgeon with mask watching her patient
lay still on a hospital bed.
Snow
I met her at the Bascom Hill
snowball fight. It was a civil war,
the kind of war you read about
in your 2nd grade history class
wondering if Jenny will say
'Hi' to you at lunch today.
But of course, she won't,
and this girl won't call me back,
despite our brutal struggle
as comrades on the battlefield.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
So I sit and pretend like I don't mind that I don't know you, or what your schedule might look like on any given Thursday afternoon.
Hello!
After staying up for 38 hours and sleeping for 13 I feel much better now.
It tends to be at times like these when I have difficultly updating my blog, or when I have difficultly allowing myself to place any of my feelings here especially when so many people read it.
Regardless, today was a very relaxing day of doing very little. I woke up around 1 to hang out with Madison, pay rent a tad late (whoops) and get something to eat from the grocery store. I wrote some poetry and played HoN with collin, started my article for this week, and listened to old techno music I used to like from back when I played DDR often. I then proceeded to work out and play more video games. -_-;;
In typical Madison (the person) fashion, I was sitting at my computer playing HoN with him passed out on the couch, and over the microphone in HoN I was just being a random internet douche to some guy in the game I was playing (to be fair he was being SUPER annoying) and right about when the game ended Madison rolls over and off the couch and says "what were you bitching about, you woke me up a while ago?" I explained my general frustration with my teammate from the game, and Madison said something to the effect of "You really shouldn't take your 'I got rejected so I'm frustrated' rage out on random internet kids." What can I say, when you live with someone for almost three years (and pretty much tell him everything) you start to really understand exactly when someone is even remotely frustrated or upset about something that happened to them, especially if its dragging on. I could only reply
"ya got me."
When Madison is trying to make me feel better about something, he tends to say the exact wrong thing, or just makes me not think about the problem at all. What is amazing about the exact wrong thing is that it often makes me feel 100x better than anything that anyone could say that is even remotely accurate. The conversation went like this
Madison - "Yea dude she was totally hot, like way out of your league. You usually date average to ugly chicks with good personalities. So do you like have no chance of ever getting any with her, or like, you have a small chance if you play it right, because right now I'm crushing you in the 'whos getting their dick wet' contest."
Me - "I don't care about any of that or how attractive she is, it was probably the last thing on my mind."
Madison - "If you're not thinking about having sex with her then she's probably not the right guy for you, but it was probably the fact that you're condescending and arrogent, and she just isn't into that."
Me - "The thought crossed my mind... -_- but you're probably right about the latter."
Madison - "Honestly, all college girls are like this. Say one thing, do another, act like they want a relationship, kiss you and then say no. You shouldn't actually worry about it. Dating girls in college looking for an actual relationship is like playing magic knowing that no matter what you'll go 0-2 drop at every tournament. Until you're 30 you aren't winning a single match. Girls just want to have fun...or something, plus by the sounds of it you aren't a big enough heartbreaker for her. Some girls just want for you to be the type that may just fuck them over for no reason. Besides, did she even wait till your 'my heart is broken' card to resolve before she played 'stradle you '? (oh magic references)
Me - "I have a good poker face...*sigh* I'm not going to cheat on girls and treat them like crap just because it will probably get me laid."
Madison - "Who fucking cares about you or your feelings, the way you treated Katie for two years makes any guy look like shit compared to you, and you're vastly the smartest and nicest person I know, so stop being a fucker and buy this soda for me."
I bought him two bottles of RC from the vending machine, the Pepsi was sold out, so I got Cherry Pepsi and a Root Beer. On the way home we talked about Arielle very little, I didn't really want to anymore, I just figured this is the 'well thats that, look for another girl' conversation that I've been waiting to have with someone so they could tell me that Im great and I should look for someone who deserves me. Insted Madison insulted me and bragged about how hes getting laid and met this totally awesome chick, with some random advice thrown in. It beats the hell out of someone telling you "better luck next time kid!"
So maybe what he says is true, being that every girl I've met after highschool has been worse about getting involved in relationships with me than every single girl I've met after, perhaps part three is being middle aged. Lets fucking hope not.
That was vastly more text than I wanted to spend on the subject matter (mostly because it makes me sound like I am obsessed or overly interested in a person I barely know when in fact I'm just overly analytical and boring) so i'll cut it there.
I don't have any plans at all for god damn ever, and I'd really love it if anyone called me this week with the express interest in hanging out with me. It seems like my phone rings less and less lately, mostly because I'm the only person I know who isn't completely flooded with school work to do. My article will be done, and finals are coming up but I don't have to study for any of my classes, I already known everything I've supposedly 'learned' this semester, and could have probably taken the final and passed in 3/4 classes anyway.
That is all, my next updates will hopefully be far less miserable.
---
Breaking up, and down.
My legs hung over the edge of
her futon couch. Narrow room -
the noise of her tears, my hands
around her neck. The blinking
of wet eyelids never popped
with such ferocity.
With my hands in my lap,
her legs drapped over my
legs I met the encroaching
goodbye sink deep, its anchor
in my gut.
You should leave now, I can't
do this,
is what I'd hear. Such a small
voice.
After staying up for 38 hours and sleeping for 13 I feel much better now.
It tends to be at times like these when I have difficultly updating my blog, or when I have difficultly allowing myself to place any of my feelings here especially when so many people read it.
Regardless, today was a very relaxing day of doing very little. I woke up around 1 to hang out with Madison, pay rent a tad late (whoops) and get something to eat from the grocery store. I wrote some poetry and played HoN with collin, started my article for this week, and listened to old techno music I used to like from back when I played DDR often. I then proceeded to work out and play more video games. -_-;;
In typical Madison (the person) fashion, I was sitting at my computer playing HoN with him passed out on the couch, and over the microphone in HoN I was just being a random internet douche to some guy in the game I was playing (to be fair he was being SUPER annoying) and right about when the game ended Madison rolls over and off the couch and says "what were you bitching about, you woke me up a while ago?" I explained my general frustration with my teammate from the game, and Madison said something to the effect of "You really shouldn't take your 'I got rejected so I'm frustrated' rage out on random internet kids." What can I say, when you live with someone for almost three years (and pretty much tell him everything) you start to really understand exactly when someone is even remotely frustrated or upset about something that happened to them, especially if its dragging on. I could only reply
"ya got me."
When Madison is trying to make me feel better about something, he tends to say the exact wrong thing, or just makes me not think about the problem at all. What is amazing about the exact wrong thing is that it often makes me feel 100x better than anything that anyone could say that is even remotely accurate. The conversation went like this
Madison - "Yea dude she was totally hot, like way out of your league. You usually date average to ugly chicks with good personalities. So do you like have no chance of ever getting any with her, or like, you have a small chance if you play it right, because right now I'm crushing you in the 'whos getting their dick wet' contest."
Me - "I don't care about any of that or how attractive she is, it was probably the last thing on my mind."
Madison - "If you're not thinking about having sex with her then she's probably not the right guy for you, but it was probably the fact that you're condescending and arrogent, and she just isn't into that."
Me - "The thought crossed my mind... -_- but you're probably right about the latter."
Madison - "Honestly, all college girls are like this. Say one thing, do another, act like they want a relationship, kiss you and then say no. You shouldn't actually worry about it. Dating girls in college looking for an actual relationship is like playing magic knowing that no matter what you'll go 0-2 drop at every tournament. Until you're 30 you aren't winning a single match. Girls just want to have fun...or something, plus by the sounds of it you aren't a big enough heartbreaker for her. Some girls just want for you to be the type that may just fuck them over for no reason. Besides, did she even wait till your 'my heart is broken' card to resolve before she played 'stradle you '? (oh magic references)
Me - "I have a good poker face...*sigh* I'm not going to cheat on girls and treat them like crap just because it will probably get me laid."
Madison - "Who fucking cares about you or your feelings, the way you treated Katie for two years makes any guy look like shit compared to you, and you're vastly the smartest and nicest person I know, so stop being a fucker and buy this soda for me."
I bought him two bottles of RC from the vending machine, the Pepsi was sold out, so I got Cherry Pepsi and a Root Beer. On the way home we talked about Arielle very little, I didn't really want to anymore, I just figured this is the 'well thats that, look for another girl' conversation that I've been waiting to have with someone so they could tell me that Im great and I should look for someone who deserves me. Insted Madison insulted me and bragged about how hes getting laid and met this totally awesome chick, with some random advice thrown in. It beats the hell out of someone telling you "better luck next time kid!"
So maybe what he says is true, being that every girl I've met after highschool has been worse about getting involved in relationships with me than every single girl I've met after, perhaps part three is being middle aged. Lets fucking hope not.
That was vastly more text than I wanted to spend on the subject matter (mostly because it makes me sound like I am obsessed or overly interested in a person I barely know when in fact I'm just overly analytical and boring) so i'll cut it there.
I don't have any plans at all for god damn ever, and I'd really love it if anyone called me this week with the express interest in hanging out with me. It seems like my phone rings less and less lately, mostly because I'm the only person I know who isn't completely flooded with school work to do. My article will be done, and finals are coming up but I don't have to study for any of my classes, I already known everything I've supposedly 'learned' this semester, and could have probably taken the final and passed in 3/4 classes anyway.
That is all, my next updates will hopefully be far less miserable.
---
Breaking up, and down.
My legs hung over the edge of
her futon couch. Narrow room -
the noise of her tears, my hands
around her neck. The blinking
of wet eyelids never popped
with such ferocity.
With my hands in my lap,
her legs drapped over my
legs I met the encroaching
goodbye sink deep, its anchor
in my gut.
You should leave now, I can't
do this,
is what I'd hear. Such a small
voice.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
But I just hate to say goodbye to all the metaphors and lies that have taken me years to come up with.
안녕
So, since my last bloggaroo update not much has really gone down (as usual o.o) though I suppose I'm in a pretty good mood all things considering. As of waking up yesterday morning I have yet to sleep, I have eaten infinite lean cuisines from Copps that were on sale for 2$, several loafs of bread, a few pomegranates and loads and loads of caffffinnneeeee. Collin spent the night friday night and we spent the literal entire night flipping nunchuks around, playing HoN, eating food and watching flash videos on his computer. Before you know it 9am rolls around, I'm brushing my teeth and throwing what little of my deck(s) I have in my WW1 styled sling bag and the Myatt Mobile (Jason's car) shows up ready to take us to the event.
I of course, in typically John fashion after spending a literal thirty minutes scrambling to ask every single person in the room of they'd be willing to lend me 500$ worth of cardboard so I can actually play in the event, fashionably 0-2 drop the event, after playing my worst matchups very early in the tournament. Collin will go on to play in the final round against Matt, which is a very frustrating match to watch. Regardless, he did not succeed in his quest for defending his title.
I feel like I accidentaly annoyed/frustrated Arielle over FB chat last night by mentioning how easy it is to check exactly how often somone views my blog (I really meant it in more of a cute way, that shes interested in my life etc) but somehow I got the vibe that she was genuinely flustered by it. Perhaps its just text communication at work but I'll be sure to apologize to her next time I get the chance. Besides, there are some people who view this blog *ALOT*. Like, people I don't even know who check it like 10+ times a day. Thanks for the free money google adds <3
Poetry
---
First poem in a week
"I'm alright, you know."
She asks again, if I'm - alright.
I am.
Song Song Song
I detailed the contents of each song,
a silouette. Those pieces of me, of
the names of each musician, though
I am the only one who cares.
So, since my last bloggaroo update not much has really gone down (as usual o.o) though I suppose I'm in a pretty good mood all things considering. As of waking up yesterday morning I have yet to sleep, I have eaten infinite lean cuisines from Copps that were on sale for 2$, several loafs of bread, a few pomegranates and loads and loads of caffffinnneeeee. Collin spent the night friday night and we spent the literal entire night flipping nunchuks around, playing HoN, eating food and watching flash videos on his computer. Before you know it 9am rolls around, I'm brushing my teeth and throwing what little of my deck(s) I have in my WW1 styled sling bag and the Myatt Mobile (Jason's car) shows up ready to take us to the event.
I of course, in typically John fashion after spending a literal thirty minutes scrambling to ask every single person in the room of they'd be willing to lend me 500$ worth of cardboard so I can actually play in the event, fashionably 0-2 drop the event, after playing my worst matchups very early in the tournament. Collin will go on to play in the final round against Matt, which is a very frustrating match to watch. Regardless, he did not succeed in his quest for defending his title.
I feel like I accidentaly annoyed/frustrated Arielle over FB chat last night by mentioning how easy it is to check exactly how often somone views my blog (I really meant it in more of a cute way, that shes interested in my life etc) but somehow I got the vibe that she was genuinely flustered by it. Perhaps its just text communication at work but I'll be sure to apologize to her next time I get the chance. Besides, there are some people who view this blog *ALOT*. Like, people I don't even know who check it like 10+ times a day. Thanks for the free money google adds <3
Poetry
---
First poem in a week
"I'm alright, you know."
She asks again, if I'm - alright.
I am.
Song Song Song
I detailed the contents of each song,
a silouette. Those pieces of me, of
the names of each musician, though
I am the only one who cares.
Friday, December 4, 2009
The magic word is every word, so just say it.
Hello.
I have not updated since last Saturday I believe. I haven't had all too much to say, as my life has been devoid of most interesting things lately. I've had thoughts sure, but I've been writing magic articles and papers and my fingers just really didn't feel like typing all week.
Monday and Tuesday went by like nothing at all, worked a ton on poetry and article related stuff so I could reach deadlines on both respectively. I've been playing a ton of this one video game HoN with some newly acquired internet friends I met through Collin's friend, Eli. They aren't very good at the actual game, but its enjoyable to play with them in general.
Wednesday Chris Schaut came over and we played Go for a few hours. Go is a game that I've known how to play, and have played for almost seven years (including downtime etc) but didn't really fully get into until I saw the anime Hikaru No Go. Either way, I give him a nine stone handicap when we play (hes new) and its been very fun playing in person again. Part of the main reason I quit playing Go all the time was because Wednseday nights are usually magic nights. Speaking of which, I drafted twice at NWG, 2-1 records all around. Madison 3-0'd the last draft and got two reasonably difficult to find cards for our decks on saturday for the state championship. Either way, it was less than fun playing magic. I wish I enjoyed it more sometimes, but my interest is dwindling.
Then Thursday rolled around. The day was largely uninteresting. My eyes woke up at 10, the rest of me was up at 11. I jogged to copps for something to eat and jogged back, nunchucked for a while and did the rest of my normal morning work-out stuff before hopping in the shower. I made sure I had the movie DeathRace2000 around (I misplace things a lot >.>) and cleaned up the apartment a bit (mostly the dishes, the rest was fine) before playing a couple games of HoN and watching it snow for a half hour or so. Then Arielle came over. I guess the 'entire' visit went fine. * There was more to all this, but now there is less. I wrote it in my paper journal and did not detail it here.
After Arielle left Madison had a girl coming over and Kalen and I scrabled over to Copps and Shopko to buy stuff for beer pong, and then came home to meet her. I forget her name (which is bizzare for me) but she was fairly cute and we basically played infinate beer pong, of which I drank almost zero because Kalen man'ed up and drank all of it for me (because A| I hate drinking, and B| I hate the taste of beer) and we just played around doing that for a while before around two when I decided I want to sleep. Word on the street is Madison totally got laid after they were both trashed, which puts him ahead of me in the 'whos getting laid' race that is constantly happening between us (since highschool) I'm wondering to see how that pans out with this girl. She seemed fine.
-John
I have not updated since last Saturday I believe. I haven't had all too much to say, as my life has been devoid of most interesting things lately. I've had thoughts sure, but I've been writing magic articles and papers and my fingers just really didn't feel like typing all week.
Monday and Tuesday went by like nothing at all, worked a ton on poetry and article related stuff so I could reach deadlines on both respectively. I've been playing a ton of this one video game HoN with some newly acquired internet friends I met through Collin's friend, Eli. They aren't very good at the actual game, but its enjoyable to play with them in general.
Wednesday Chris Schaut came over and we played Go for a few hours. Go is a game that I've known how to play, and have played for almost seven years (including downtime etc) but didn't really fully get into until I saw the anime Hikaru No Go. Either way, I give him a nine stone handicap when we play (hes new) and its been very fun playing in person again. Part of the main reason I quit playing Go all the time was because Wednseday nights are usually magic nights. Speaking of which, I drafted twice at NWG, 2-1 records all around. Madison 3-0'd the last draft and got two reasonably difficult to find cards for our decks on saturday for the state championship. Either way, it was less than fun playing magic. I wish I enjoyed it more sometimes, but my interest is dwindling.
Then Thursday rolled around. The day was largely uninteresting. My eyes woke up at 10, the rest of me was up at 11. I jogged to copps for something to eat and jogged back, nunchucked for a while and did the rest of my normal morning work-out stuff before hopping in the shower. I made sure I had the movie DeathRace2000 around (I misplace things a lot >.>) and cleaned up the apartment a bit (mostly the dishes, the rest was fine) before playing a couple games of HoN and watching it snow for a half hour or so. Then Arielle came over. I guess the 'entire' visit went fine. * There was more to all this, but now there is less. I wrote it in my paper journal and did not detail it here.
After Arielle left Madison had a girl coming over and Kalen and I scrabled over to Copps and Shopko to buy stuff for beer pong, and then came home to meet her. I forget her name (which is bizzare for me) but she was fairly cute and we basically played infinate beer pong, of which I drank almost zero because Kalen man'ed up and drank all of it for me (because A| I hate drinking, and B| I hate the taste of beer) and we just played around doing that for a while before around two when I decided I want to sleep. Word on the street is Madison totally got laid after they were both trashed, which puts him ahead of me in the 'whos getting laid' race that is constantly happening between us (since highschool) I'm wondering to see how that pans out with this girl. She seemed fine.
-John
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