But it all boils down to one quotable phrase - "If you love something, give it away."

Hello.

I had a test this morning in my Earth Science class, twas fun.  I was up pretty late studying/Hon'ing so I'm glad I was able to muster the strength to get up and go to class.  I also managed to make a date with a girl wed. night at Fair Trade coffee on state, which is pretty funny considering I wasn't really out to get a date and am really not terribly thrilled with doing so, but hey, we'll see how it goes down.

Right now I'm about to do laundry, and then probably play a bunch of SC/Hon, as I havne't been playing too much of either lately and I really want to.  I also have to write an article soon so I can get more $$$. xD

Ur-ur-urgency, oh man I feel it in the street.

Hi!

I managed to get to the midnight prerelease at NW games yesterday night, which was about as fun as I could imagine.  2-2 record (pretty average) but it will definitely very fun.  I'm excited by the possibility of playing this format in the future, as it seems quite good for limited PTQs. I've also been working on my deck for people to play at the PT (if I end up being able to go, the financial aid offices are being real bastards about it) and I think its just the best deck in the format.  Theres only 1 deck I lose to and I think after board I have really good chances.

anyway, enough talking about things people don't care about - my life is still about as boring as ever.  I think I might have a paper due thursday or tuesday..or a test.  Yea I'm not sure, we need to look that one up ^^

My last.fm is pretty awesome, it has the perfect scope of music on it I live it.  My top8 is like a microcosm of my musical personality in the perfect way - LOVE.

It's Katie's birthday tomorrow, and we're going to see a lovely show at the High Noon Saloon with the Weakerthans and Rock Plaza Central, being indie rocks!

Comment allez-vous ce soir? Je suis comme ci comme ça - Yes, a penguin taught me French back in Antarctica.

Hello blog.

Class was relatively fun yesterday. It was a long lecture in Earth Science that was largely about stuff I learned much earlier in my schooling career - plate tectonics. Either way, it was fun gleefully putting input in in class while really, already knowing all the answers. It's the easy way to get credit, especially if you know you won't sound stupid answering the teacher's questions. There were some short movie clips, some joking, and that was that.

Afterwards Molly, Ross, and myself were to hang out (I believe thats what she said) but I couldn't really locate either of them, and after about 20 minutes of just sleezing around MATC I ran into a girl from my summer school class two years prior - Ashley. Ashley and I are really from two completely different walks of life. She, an estranged girl who has bounced from group home to group home all throughout her high school life, and then into MATC to become a mechanic, of all things. She explained to me in a sullen tone that she has carpel tunnel syndrome, and thinks it would be unrealistic of her to pursue mechanic related stuff with that condition, so she hopes to get into UW Madison to become an engineer to DESIGN stuff like cars, engines, etc. All and all we had some pretty lengthy discussions about foreign countries, culture shock, weird things we've heard about Japan, Germany, etc.

So afterwards I went home and played a ton of a video game called HoN, which I have been jamming a lot of these days (its actually really fun, for how little skill it takes compared to other games I like such as Starcraft, etc) and then basically waited around for 4:30, when I had to wake Madison up to go to work, and go to my evening class - History of Sub-Saharan Africa. The class went well, Lacy (our teacher) split us up into groups and we had discussion about colonial contact in west Africa, and why it happened. I think it's funny how much people complain about American globalism, when the English/Porteguise/French/Etc were literally complete assholes to the entirety of the west African people, and basically just took their land and settled it while mining gold from them. O_O

Anyway, after all of that I went home and played more irrelavent video games. I sort of wish I got invited to do things with Madison/Nicole/Kalen. But the phone never rings, so I don't impose. If they wanted me to come along they'd ask, and I can understand why Nicole/Kalen wouldn't really want my company, I'm not exactly the party type - though I still like hanging out

Have a good one, readers.

-John

.

it is 1am, and I feel quite strange.

I feel like I can't seem to handle my interactions with others with any finesse whatsoever, and really, all I can do is make things worse when I think to myself that I am a rational and intelligent person, though I am starting to have doubts about all of it.

Jasper sent me a relatively aggressive facebook message, and I replied with a relatively aggressive replay, then he was a tad more aggressive, then I just sort of stared at my computer wondering what to say. Why do I even care? I feel like I'm so above all of this, but yet drawn into the bullshit for no reason at all. I think I'm just quitting magic at this point. I tried talking to Erykka about what to do, but I clearly just irritated her (as she blocked me -.-) so here I am, out a solid hobby and a decent friend. But hey, things could be worse eh? I really don't know where I actually went wrong with all of it, maybe its just the random homewrecker/girlfriend stealing catching up with me, and its exactly what I deserve. I kind of wish I could be at least happy that now I don't have anything to worry about, now that there is a definitive close to all of this, but I find it difficult to do so. I always hope for things to end on happier terms, but as humans we are incapable.

---

Origami

I took your arms, and folded them back

by the elbows, snapping them back into

place parallel to her body. I pushed them

until your socket had snapped loose, and like wings

I tucked it behind your back.

Your legs were next. I'd make you my perfect

cardboard cut out crane, your legs snapped back

like that gorgeous bird.

I'd tell you to lie still as I worked,

my fingers rough with paper cuts - those tiny

remembrances of your resistance.

You tried to take flight, but you were

bound by the legs by to the Gampi tree I had

planted in my garden.

From time to time when I am feeling troubled, I will unfold all these letters, from old friends and lovers~

Wow, it is raining so unreal hard out. I woke up at 8am to get ready for school, looked outside and went "Fuck no" and went back to bed xD

The last couple days have been pretty devoid of writing unfortunately, I really want to jump on that as soon as possible.

I've been doing a lot of Facebook chat with an old friend from highschool (Katie Lee) and thats been really fun. She seems a lot different than last I remember her, and is engaged (though it seems quite unhappily) to some guy I know nothing about. She seems to be doing OK though, not well, not bad, just OK. =P We have plans to meet up and hang out for a while, which should be awesome, I've always wanted to have one of those long lost friend reunion type things go down =D

I got 15$ for fixing Katies parents computer. Whoo. xD

-John

Fuck this city, and fuck this filthy air.

Hello world.

Oh boy has nothing of any relevance happened in the last two days, but some fun and strange musings have occurred indeed.

I found out last night that a friend of over a year is actually gay, and the literally entire time I thought he was 100% straight. It really got me thinking about my own prejudices (I don't really care either way if he likes dick or not) but the fact that I had consistently ignored obvious cues in favor of hearing what I wanted to hear (that he was straight) and ignoring the endless endless signs of him being gay. Humans always hear and do what they want to ultimately, and I feel I've fallen severe victim to this. Though I am happy I'm closer with him, I value him a lot as a friend even if hes generally an asshole (in a good way) It's kind of all reminding me about how I've never really had a problem with males sexually (and have been interested them in the past) and that I've just been in a long long chain of female relationships, so its never come up. Must suck being 100% gay, your relationship selection pool is so small. I've always been forward enough to engage with women who I might not have a chance with, and really aggressively go for girls who I like. Unfortunately my taste in women always leaves me heartbroken. Between Katie, Erykka, Jessica, Sarah, and Elisa, I've never found anyone whos stayed with me, really. It's all just a big joke to people. Maybe I'm just not exciting enough for anyone

I am hoping my financial aid comes soon, I'm very low on funds on day to day life and really just need my government approved loan to hurry up and get into my bank account so I can play magic/eat again. :]

anywho, that is all.

-John

So, just say how to make it right. And - I swear I'll do my best to comply.

Today has been awesome.  I've done nothing! :D

Oh how lovely it is to wake up at a nice 7am and spend the whole day writing cute little poems and playing video games. =)  I've also been listening to a ton of music, which as usual, is the total awesome sauce.  

I have no class on WED. which is totally sweet.  Wednesday has always been one of my least favorite days due to the fact that I have a whole 2-3 more days to go :[  But now that its off its very rejuvenating to not have any responsibility. =D

One huge advantaged I've noticed in all of my poetry is that I punctuate it very sexily.  I never overdo it, and my dashes/commas/periods come at very opportune times.  I think this is become I write how I speak.  

Katie is coming over tonight, which is nice because I totally don't feel at all like leaving my house right now.  I'm enjoying it *way* too much.  Seriously.

---

The way writers place

particles, words, sentences,

stanzas, poems on pages is

a battle of ebb and flow.

Like the lunar tides our

pens are all bound by the

waning and waxing

of the loving moon.

Lets stop this talk of 'them' because the things we find deplorable like politicians CEOs and cops are the same things that will tear ourselves apart.

Every song quote in my title will now link to a youtube video (or torrent etc) of the song its quoting so more people can enjoy the lovely music I listen to. =)

I feel like if someone who I had just met or started to know in real life had the opportunity to read my blog, they would think I'm a real lame-ass. Like, I realize that its a blog about feelings and blah blah, but I mean cmon, if any self respecting person read this they'd be like "wow this guy is a real depressing emo kid" xD. Well I guess this is a subsection of my thoughts as the happy stuff I don't feel the NEED to write about, but I still like to. Whereas unhappy thoughts I like to write out so I can get them out of my head.

Today I woke up at about 5am or so, biked to Copps and got a couple cheese bagels and ate them with cream cheese over the course of a few hours while playing the video game HoN (one that I'm now painfully addicted to T_T) and wrote a bunch of really nice poetry. I've been writing a short story lately that uses Erykka as a basis for the main character (though I have to spice her up a bit to make her a tad more edgy) and its really quickly going from short story to novella in length. I have a policy about not posting large pieces of work on the internet for lack of my material getting stolen (which would SUCKKKK) but if anyone wants to read what I have they are more than welcomed to let me know =)

Class was about as interesting as Geology possibly can be. We looked at rocks, and filled out a work sheet about analyzing said rocks. *twirls finger*

Math soon, also boring etc. I think tonight Katie and I will hang out, which is nice. Gives me something to do and I enjoy her company. Until then, gaming, writing, and MATC. bye bye :3

-John

We'll be coming back on rusted wheels and bloody knees.

Since my last update, I've been literally in the same cycle of not doing very much at all.  I go to school, I sleep, I eat (not really, I've had virtually nothing to eat in days, though a friend of mine sent me 15$, which is pretty sick) and hang out with Katie, pretty much the only friend I have left who I can go see because the rest live on the far side of town or in another state.  It sort of compounds everything by the fact that Katie and I aren't doing the best these days.  

I haven't heard back from Star City Games for my article writing thingy, so I assume that means no.  Is it because I'm a bad writer?  Who knows, but either way I guess I''ll have to apply to write elsewhere.   I'd like to write for this site though because all my friends in real life do. T_T

I wish my financial aid would hurry the hell up, I want a new computer and I want to be able to pay my fair share of rent!  =(

Lately I've felt like I've been excluded from my roomate (and best friend's) day to day activities in the form of never ever being invited to doing anything that him and Kalen are doing.  The three of us used to hang out all the time, and now he just comes home at 2am and says "yea I was hanging out with Kalen at his place" and then passes out, while I'm here basically doing nothing and largely bored.  Somewhat frustrating.  I considered sending him a passive-aggressive text message of some kind, but declined.

I'm really enjoying living with my brother, and I think he is enjoying living in Madison (if not with me, I'm not the worlds best brother, and hes sort of obsessive compulsive, whereas I'm very laid back and unorganized) and has a new GF, which is good for him.  

Here is some poetry.

---

They say if you lose something,
you should look in the last place
you would expect to find it.

I found you on the footsteps
leading up to my front porch.
The sun had vanished that day,
as had the color in your cheeks
since we last had met.

I stood in silence behind you
listening to the still beating
of your heart. Averting your
eyes, you whirled around to
greet me.

You were something surreal, a
Boschean painting layered into
the orange and red autumn leaves.
Your eyes stuck out like sore thumbs.

With each fingernail a different color,
you raised your left hand above your
heart and waved.

We said nothing; time passed. 

The day I rob a bank is the first day of my life as an honest man.

I just got back from MATC, I feel very relaxed and happy, and am just chillin out on my computer listening to the Wingnut Dishwasher's Union.  I just got back from Earth Science, which is proving to be a very interesting course, well, as interesting as Geology tends to be, (not very, for the most part) but we are learning about carbon dating which is a pretty awesome way of dating living things, as it turns out (and quite accurate!)

I love strolling into MATC being eyed out by all the other alternatively dressed girls and just sort of looking the other way, uninterested.  Somehow gives me a sense of self-worth in that moment (though a very non-factual, and more a mirage than anything) and is very fun to just sort of play pretend for a few hours a day.  I wore a cute little light blue bandana, the standard cool-kid jeans, double belts, a fitted shirt and my pin laden back pack that really, really could use a custom made patch (wink* wink*)

I've downloaded a bunch of fun, free to play games that I used to play on my old computer like Gunz and Trickster (though the later sucks *ASS* on windows 7, and Is basically unplayable) and have been enjoying doing so, in addition to the unhealthy amount of Starcraft I already play.  I have a ton of homework this week actually, as I'm a little behind on math plus I have a test on tuesday I have to study for, which is mucho unhappy in my life.

I've come to the realization that Kierkegaard is probably the most bad-ass name ever.  Just say it, its like, WOAH that name is sick!  Every time I hear it I'm like, yea, I read the most bad ass philosopher ever, and I can say his name all pro-like.

Ok enough insane ramblings.  =)

Learn to drown before you learn to swim.

The last couple days have been largely uneventful.  I had a pretty slow weekend of lots of sleep and Starcrafting + hanging out with Katie.  Most of it was fine, though I feel a distinct lack of motivation lately.  

My brother's new computer came, which means Im inheriting his old computer, which is really nifty considering I needed something to play Warcraft 3 on.  Getting back into the swing of things is hard though, the adaptations in builds from other races have turned some of my old builds into complete dogshit, though its funny how little has changed overall, when in comparison to a game like SC that is constantly evolving. 

I sent my resume + first article into SCG.  Hopefully everything goes well and I get the job.  Things are looking up as is I have connections on the inside (kinda, hes putting in a good word for me)

All of my classes are sort of letting me down in this "Im still in highschool" sort of way, bleh.

I have 40 cents to my name, I think I might buy two packages of ramen from Copps and ration them over four days till we get paid on friday.  T_T

-John

A casket burried six feet deep for everybody's heros.

Hi blog.

I'm feeling pretty lonely right now. Katie said she was going to call me to hang out and never did. Erykka hasn't called me to talk in a long time, Madison and George are both out doing whatever, and I'm still home alone bored doing nothing.

I kind of feel like for the first time in a while that my life sucks. I sort of don't have anything going on. I want to cook dinner for my friends, but I don't have any friends who'd appreciate it, I want to write poetry for competition, but all the competitions have submission fees I can't pay, I want to go to school but my medication is raping my sleep schedule constantly so sometimes I skip class. I actually feel like my poetry is on an decline lately, which sucks because I was so pleased with what I was doing - now its all derivative crap.

Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains is pretty much the only thing in my life I am consistently enjoying. I am like the coolest person ever, my last fm top15 is infuckingcredible, as is my music tastes in general.

As for everything else...I've been playing video games, and not progressing anything in my life in the slightest. whoo-hoo. :/

On the ball room floor, those
skirt chasers, those crass
beiges and browns bumbling
over to our fair lady are alive.

Her eyes
push us away. Her deep purple
dress flows lightly at the edges.

An extra layer of cotton pink
across her shoulder? Count
the light in frames refusing to
parallel. You could buy

something that nice, some
males, some men. You could
put a price tag on that dress and
those high heeled shoes.

The water fountain in the courtyard
a cascade of diamonds, pouring out
eternal life into the sewers of New York
are nearing the end of their lifespan.

The cracking of the vase the naked woman
carries, the crumbling of the ledges around
the statue; retirement may
be in our future.

I swear I left my sanity someplace in this mess, crumpled between empty beers and packs of cigarettes.

Today was relatively interesting.  I had was up pretty early, and really didn't have too much going on, so I just hung out testing magic on the computer while my bro was at school, and Madison was passed out.  I woke him up for work at 8:45 because I knew he had work at 9.  He *SLEEP LIED* to me and said he worked at 10, which he definatively does not remember, what the hell?

So I invented a new deck for 1.x, and starting writing an article about my opinions on the new format and what direciton its heading in for either TCGPlayer and SCG, SCG pays more and I might actually be able to write there, which would be completely amazing.  A lot of people I respect as friends write for SCG, and it would be fun to be part of the group. =)

Around 2 or so after Katie was off school we hung out for an hour and a half or so, before I had to go home to make sure George had his bike returned to him so he could go and meet up with some cute girl he likes.  I'm pretty happy for him, he definately deserves to have a little cutie running around with him, hes a nice guy.

I took a short three hour or so nap, before Link, Reza, and Austin, some hooligans from Janesville showed up to play some magic cards, which was very fun.  I didn't expect them till much later, so I had to cancel some prior plans, but It didn't seem to matter so much.

At NW, Jasper and I had the awkward "so do we hate eachother?" talk.  Jesus fucking christ sometimes he just blows my mind.  The way he talked to me was so..."I won, shes mine, haha in your face" it just made me want to grab him by the throat and kill him.  You didn't win - you are a depressed pathetic person sucking the life out of a very alive and talented person.  It's easy to love someone because they're the only thing you have, it doesn't make you just or secure, it makes you an emotional leech.

Anywho, I basically told him I don't care, him and Erykka are still together, whatever - we can just forget about whatever happened and act as normal.  Considering Erykka's compelte avoidance of me, it shouldn't be difficult for no complications to arise anyway.  Really at this point, I just wish there was some closure.  It really was a transition of uh hanging out and enjoying eachothers company a lot and having fun, to a weekend where she ditched on some very nice plans I had arranged for us, to not talkign to me, to apologizing and having some aim conversations,  to not speaking to me whatsoever.  Really, I just want to hear her say that she wants to be left alone / isn't intersted in our friendship / anything.  Just so I know that there isn't anything I can do to salvage what could be a really cool friend.

And now, after some hanging out, soda drinking, etc, I have class in like three and a half hours.  So I have some...choices. Lol.  I think I'll probably sleep, set infinate alarms and just get up with minimal sleep and jam it.  I have plans to go to the mall today so I shouldn't bail on those.

Anywho, I'm off.

-John

Untitled

That man is the kind of man
with the bulging, hemmorhaging
veins like roadways coursing 
up his thick arms.

He is the kind of man
who had quit, before you
offered him a cigarette -
you don't know how bad
things can get.

My father, her boyfriend,
his brother; those huge arms
around the rings of her
esophogus, pushing the matter

of air out through her mouth
and between the gaps in his 
fingers. It isn't hard
to watch these things,

from the gray matter box 
of a television monitor, 
or from the balcony of my
apartmnt complex peering

over the peeled paint 
railings spying on them.
On my back, the morning
sun peels over the curtain -

they throw their vocal chords
through my window in despair.