I know one thing, I'll be one tough act to follow.

I have a lot of respect for Eminem as a raper. His more introspective songs are lyrically so deep and meaningful, even if typically I have no desire to listen to his music. He said that one thing that makes me confident in who I am as a person. I may have left the stage, but I'll be one tough act to follow; and she knows.

The last couple days have progressed as usual. I've had some interesting discussion with my mother today on Walt Witman, an author whom neither of us as had an affinity for as far as reading his material is concerned, but he is a revolutionary in American poetry, regardless. That self reflection, that idea of discribing things that happen to you in your life in exetensialism. That is all Walt.

Of the people I have met lately, one that has stuck out strangely is a girl whom approached me randomly, and without notice through facebook. An ex of a magic player I know, her name is Amber. I wouldn't expect at any given time for a random girl who I do not know to come out of the woodwork and basically up-front hit on my over the internet. She lives in Janesville, and I've been talking to her a lot lately. She is relatively interesting, though I don't know if its even possible to have a relationship with her due to the huge distance issue (I do not drive, obviously) and the fact that she works/goes to school so it appears as though she has a very busy schedule, sucks.

There was something there with Katie Lee, but it seems like all girls she ran off. She doesn't talk to me at all anymore, either through phone or text, which is the 100% opposite of what she was doing when I wasn't acting interested in her. I swear she only wanted me when I didn't want her, and then the moment I'm interested she runs off. Some people are so rediculous.

And the final female in my life, whos name I will not disclose, seems pretty promising. She lives in Madison, is a slam poet, likes museums and book readings, and seems generally awesome. I don't know a ton about her though, so we'll see how that pans out.

As for non girl related stuff, I'm mostly just hanging out. I'm suprised to find how easy it has been to meet people for me, as prior to dating Katie, girls were never interested in me. I don't know how to react now that I literally have FOUR girls who could be potential dating partners. Its like, what? How did THAT happen. I'm not even trying particularly hard. I've mostly just been working on getting my own personal life together, as soon I will be in the buisiness of looking for a house, buying a car, etc. I want things to be going well BEFORE that happens, I want to be happy first and foremost.

That is all for today. My plans for the week are limited. I feel so bored these days.

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns, slowly.

Hello world.

Oh things...they are so uneventful. Human interaction is such an intricate web, so complex, so silly. As smart as I want to be, or think I am I can never quite grasp certain things, though lately I've been far less frustrated at my incompetence.

I've found that Erykka and Jasper broke up. I was actually very disheartened to hear this, as much as things were complex, or stupid between Jasper and I, and the bizarre fighting that happened over Erykka was stupid, but regardless, I am sad that they broke up. All that drama, a lost friend (and someone who I feel could have been so much more than a friend, a best friend even) and now they are apart. I don't know any details, and I'm not that interested in knowing. The fact that Erykka and I parted on negative terms now means its unlikely I'll ever get my book back, or she'll ever get some clothing she dumpstered from my house. I'll just have these things on my shelf until I clean them out, and who knows when that is. Interestingly enough, for only the short month or two I knew Erykka, I told her things that I had never told anyone in my entire life, perhaps thats the only real connection I feel. She seems competent at keeping secrets though and I trust that they are being kept.

I went over to Katrina's house tonight to get my hair cut. We hung out for about an hour and a half I'm guessing. It was probably the highlight of my day, but she seemed less than thrilled to have spent any time with me. It is probably the best that way, my interest in her will dwindle faster if she doesn't care about my company. Its hard to throw those past two years away, those individual days. I am guilty for all of it.

I am tired, and I feel negatively about the world somehow. My poetry has been reflecting change, I want it so bad.

The wheels were of a locomotive,
a cycling steel horse with fleshy muscles
pounding against the metal spurs -
giddy up.

I had traced my way to your house on the sky,
like a trapese artist walking along the dipping
and rising powerlines I followed the usual route.
It is like I could smell you from outside your window,

laying peacefully your eyes neglected to
open at the gust of wind with my arrival.
I wanted murder.
I felt sick, and stumbled home in the darkness.

Do I mean what I say, or is it just this disease ~

So not too much has been going on, but I have been furthering my life on a day to day basis. hehe.

So thursday came around, and I ended up hanging out with Becky downtown for a few hours. We walked around the museum, albeit both of us were extremely exhausted from having not slept a wink the night before. There was some very boring politically motivated art on the 2nd floor of the museum, that I do not suggest anyone go see. It was very boring art. The exhibit closest to state street was under construction as they were putting up something new there, so we did much less museum time wasting than we had hoped.

Afterwards, we took a walk down statestreet to a store where Becky's friend works. I do not recall her name, but she was very cool and fun to talk to, and we all sort of stood around distracting her from her work, talking about a terrible old daycare job they both had, and generally having a good time laughing/joking around and telling stories. We did her friend a favor and did a starbucks run for her, and then did a bit more talking before I had to take the bus home, and supposedly meet up with my friend Katie Lee around 6 at my house.

On the bus, there was a very complex situation involving the police, assault, and events that had happened prior involving kids who attend East high school beating the snot out of some random guy. I got off the bus before the police bust was going to happen, involving all those kids who beat him up getting arrested and him pressing charges. Pretty anxious bus ride, I REALLY wanted to get off haha. When I got home, I found that Katie wasn't actually going to be coming over, and she had to cancel because of family issues involving her cousin cutting his hand quite deep. I got a 5$ pizza with Madison, ate half, and then promptly passed out for two hours.

In the morning I woke up around 5am. Lately, my ex Katrina and I have not been talking whatsoever, or at least, very minimally, but I basically talk her that if she wants to talk to me theres no reason in being miserable and bored and not doing so. She's going to be reading my blog and keeping track of what I'm doing on a day to day basis (because shes kind of nosey, but thats not a bad thing in this case, she just cares about me) via facebook or otherwise. I told her I might go to freak fest with her (I do want to go, but I'd have to have a costume...) if she'll have me, but it would breach the no seeing eachother contract set in place.

So I went to a PTQ, sucked, didn't make top8, and now I am at home after a weekend of card slinging at 4am on my blog updating it for fun. Not too exciting, but I have finished my poetry manuscript and submitted it, which is something I look forward to hearing back on. I want to read more poetry at avols next week as well. It never seems like I have a chance to do so, so I'm going to tell my sub saharan africa teacher I'm ditching class! :P

-John

a name and a poem

Arielle was a real tiger, a one of a kind
springjack puppet bursting out from
that mechanical box after you had
wound it. One hell of a girl.

She was like those wild
boars on the discovery network, at
four am, I'd watch her hunt vivaciously
with her pressured round stomach.

Arielle always believed what I told her.
It was why our relationship could have
survived as long as it did, though I can't
say offhand that I ever lied; I wanted to.

Hasn't anybody learned, don't ever trust a man who plays guitar.

Oh dear, well, since I woke up at 5pm yesterday, I'm running the 'stay up all night plan' today. So I have three lovely classes that should go by swimmingly on no sleep, and in between the classes I'm meeting up with my friend Becky downtown. I blew off some 'plans' we had twice, but they were sort of vague 'lets do something' type plans, so I think they were both 1/2 of a blow off, and together make one time worth of standing her up for no reason. That was complex, woah. Either way we're going to stroll about the museum, hopefully! :]

Ive been taking a lot of cute pictures of myself on my phone for no reason (I think largely out of boredom) so I will perhaps post a few. That sounds like a killer way to kill some time!

Regardless, today is the beginning of a new me, I'm going to watch the sunrise, drink coffee, engage in my responsible responsibilities, hang out with friends and enjoy myself as much as possible!

And in my dreams, I am dirty broke, beautiful and free.

Class tomorrow, boooooo so sad. :[

I skipped out on this house party I *really* wanted to go to in order to do work. Being responsible is extremely hard, I need to get better at it >.> I'm just sad I had to pseudo stand-up Becky, because I said I'd be there and ended up not going. She seems laid back enough to not care. o.o

I got coffee with Katie yesterday. It was nice to go out and do something with her and we should more often. The whole being friend with an ex thing still totally sucks for me, but whatever, I'm too passive and unwilling to do anything about it that I don't. Even if I were to try doing something about it I'd chicken out. I guess I'll just be at her whim till I find some other girl to actually be with. Kinda sucks I guess.

My new phone came, its a Samsung Impression. Let me tell you something, its basically an iphone. Its totally insane! I have tons of my music on it, pictures, videos, etc, AND I can browse the internet, update facebook, etc. I feel as though the last thing I need to keep my life on track right now is another totally insane electrical gadget but theres nothing I can really do about my mom randomly going out and buying one for me. (thanks mom O.o)

The PTQ this last weekend was ok. I ended up finishing 5-2 (last time 6-2) to miss top8 by the last round yet again. Its extremely frustrating to be plagued by this "almost" getting there trend that has been going on with me for a while. x-2 is not the player I am, I'm much better than that and I need to work harder to get there (while doing school stuff etc)

Speaking of school, financial aid called me to say that because I dropped too many classes the last semester I took school they would be unable to actually give me any money for THIS semester, so I have to come up with 1,100$ on my own, AND pay it before I can take anymore classes. Decent shot of having to get a 30 hour a week job + my TCG job and just never play any magic because all of it has to go to paying tuition. Talk about a totally blowout, I still have no idea what Im going to do about all this. -_-

This weekend there is a PTQ in minneapolis that I really want to go to. If my money comes from TCG player then I'lld 100% be able to go, and I bet I can get madison to loan me 50$ for sure np. 30$ for entry, 10$ for gas, 10$ for food is my plan for the weekend hopefully that works out. My friend from Chicago Micheal Lampert might be coming up friday night to hang out and then drive up with us before the event, which would be totally insane. O_O

Anywho, that is all.

-John

I need to pay my heart's outstanding bills.

I guess I'm gettin mah new phone tomorrow, which seems pretty awesome. Getting off of a plan that I've been (guiltily) mooching off of and onto my mother's support, which is a totally different form of mooching, but with a little more obligation so I can feel sligthly better about it. lol.

I ended up deciding on going to this Magic tournament on satuday. I figure if I'm doing as well as I am with the format theres no reason to deny myself the opportunity to make some money. Although I'm a tad short on cash a friend is spotting me for the time being so it should be all gravy. We're leaving with a car of five to Iowa at 7pm tomorrow, checking into a motel, and then playing all day saturday and coming home at night. I'm pretty excited, last tournament I played I totally crushed! :P

Music has been so awesome lately for me, more than usualy even. There is a Bayside concert and a Mountain Goats show coming up so I'm totally pumped for the Madison music scene in the coming month. :]

Katie and I have plans tomorrow, then I think I'm going to ask Becky to hang out on Sunday next time I see her online.

Yep, not much to talk about, cyaz

-John

Rains on the city traffic puzzle - shifting pieces just like my stomache were both so upset. Love sick and sick of it.

Today was pretty awesome, all in all.

I woke up around noon, and gave my friend Becky a call, which resulted in a ten or so minute conversation, then we met at EVP for Coffee on East Wash. We talked about a large cavalcade of things, a fair share of the 'getting to know you' stuff, thrown in with some talk of music and writing. Before you know it we were off for a bike ride downtown, where we stopped in at the museum and pondered around the galleries for a while. I thought it was funny she had such a huge problem with me touching art, which basically just made me want to put my hands all over it (you know I love doing things people tell me not to) so the art thing was relatively short lived, haha. We walked around the square, and checked out the library. There was a sweet book called "The Encyclopedia of Fun" that was from the 60s. The games didn't sound that fun, in fact, male to female interaction didn't sound that fun in the 60s. =( It was really fun meeting her / hanging out with her and I hope I can meet up with her again in the future.

Eventually I drafted a couple times at the store, going 1-2 and then 3-0. My deck in the 2nd draft was one of the most insane decks I've ever drafted, not even close. I was really happy with it and ended up significantly more wealthy than when I had walked into the card store.

This weekend there is a tournament in Iowa, and I do not think I can go, although I got a tempting offer from my friend Jason "If you go, I'll pay for you and you can pay me back whenever" now, I don't know what that means exactly, but I feel negatively about borrowing money from everyone. Perhaps I'll ask Katie for that last 10$ she owes me, and try to scrape up some cash from the bottom of the barrel for this event, or just not go. I sort of ditched out on plans with her tonight which I feel bad about, so it wouldn't hurt to be in town to spend time with her regardless. I don't want to lose any friends being a flake. >:/

Class tomorrow. I finished both my paper AND my article for TCGplayer, so I'm fucking rockin' the world now.

-John

There's a starman waiting in the sky, he'd like to come and meet us but he thinks he'd blow our minds

That poem I wrote in the last entry I did I really like.  Its fun and interesting, ambiguous and somehow meaningful.  I'm a huge fan!

I am going to call Becky tomorrow(something I've been putting off because I'm a shy pathetic little boy), supposedly there can be some sort of date that can go down and I'm not at all sure when (as we've yet to make plans, but I have said to call and am interested).  I wish I wasn't such a chicken when it comes to calling girls I barely know up (maybe thats a good thing haha)  Either way it should be fine.  We'll be making rent this month and I'm full swing with my writing job.  I have an interview / followup thing going on at Brother's Wok for a MWF job there.  MWF is like the ideal schedule as I have classes on T/TH =)

Nicole came over tonight which was totally awesome.  I'm glad shes doing well (and I'm glad her relationship is doing well, based on what I've heard) and I still feel guilty about the living situation we had prior, and I'm excited for the future when I get to pay her back.  I've been thinking of creative gifts to give her or other ways to show that I <3

I went to a PTQ for magic on saturday, which turned out great, except that it was a huge disappointment.  I went 6-0 only to have to play down and lose, then lose again.  So depressing.  Doing a huge grand prix run sometime soon, that will surely generate some cash.

Regardless, I hope that everything in life filters its self out.  The only thing thats actually stressing me out right now is this weird Jasper situation in my life.  Its more that we both are pretty much forced into seeing eachother often, being that we both play magic, but neither of us likes eachother.  The primary difference being that I've heard hes been somewhat talking about me behind my back.  I make it a point to be as nuetral as I can involving Jasper.  I don't hate the guy, I thing hes somewhat annoying from time to time, and opinionated to the point where it can be hair pulling, but I can honestly say I don't 'hate' him.  Though, he hates me, and rightfully so.  Either way, I do wish he wouldn't slander me behind my back.  Its not a ton to ask for. -_-

-John

My convictions propel me with great force, they keep me on course, so I can cross that line.

We had just crossed into Georgia.

I hadn't thought her eyes could stay

propped open for so long, staring at

the stretched clouds like skin

that lay ugly on the evening sky.

There were very few ways to pass the time,

as we had underestimated the amount of

music a three day trip would require.  My

hands trembled when she spoke, my intestines

ablaze with the Mexican food, and the sound

waves of the mariachi trumpets bursting through

the pours in my skin.

I hadn't had an opportunity to tell her, not allow

for even a sentence to bubble through the air

like those in comic books of my feelings.  Though

I knew she'd understand, I did not want to risk

our situation.  I had spent the entire last night,

awake in the mouth of my bedroom shark

being jostled around by the tongue of conviction,

the tongue pressuring me to the roof of that shark

suffocating me, my mouth could still not move.

My mother had told me about these types, but

not much.  Not enough to keep me out of trouble.

No matter how many times someone asks you

'What's wrong?' you will only answer them if it is

the very first time they've asked.  

I am an excellent steel horse~

Hey, its been a couple days since I've been here.

Oh, nothing too exciting, just the usual depressed, generally unhappy John.  You know, its pretty classic these days to be experiencing my own lame-ness in full effect, and I can't really say I deserve anything else.  I'm working on getting a job, have a weird sort of writing gig going on at TCGPlayer, and am attending my classes as planned.  It may not be the most interesting set of thigns in the world (though sometimes I wish it were more interesting) but I'm getting it done.

I have no idea what to do about ms. Gray, I feel like such a dog whenever her and I talk.  Its like, so absurdly difficult to just resist doing whatever she wants me to do, and the only way for me to not be completely destroyed in her wake is to avoid her whenever possible.  I'm getting off her cellphone plan as my mom is buying me a pretty sweet cellphone to use on her plan, which is super nice of her.  =O  Not to mention having a tricked out cellphone sounds kinda fun.  Considering I had little to no contact with Katie in the last week, never seeing her again should be easy, right?

Its sort of weird wearing clothes that don't have your own personal scent on them.  Its like, I'm wearing this shirt that is my fathers and I can still vaguely smell the cigarette smoke in it.  Like I'm putting on someone else's skin...creeeepppyyy.

It's hard to tell someone they've fucked up, especially when they don't even know what they've done to themselves.  I've tried to explain how wonderful I am (and if you know me, I'm quite fabulous) and that you'll never have me back, and I'm a person whos intelligence, creativity and caring far surpasses that of most anyone else's, and certainly of her other friends.  I hate that if I say I'll never see you again, within a year's time she'll be on my front porch crying, asking me to take her back.  Or she'll be aggressively trying to contact me.  These things I feel are unavoidable. 

So I dip this pen in arsenic to write a song for every president that, won't ever get shot in the face.

I had my hands pinned down, like

those insects entomologists study

gripping tightly to the rough edges of the

mattress.  I was laying like you had before

when I had stood at the foot of the bed,

my arrogance aloft - though you never

batted an eyelash.  We had met at 

the republican headquarters,

as time travelers who disagreed

with the state of affairs.  You were

something like Galatea, one hell of a girl.

We could sparsely hold a conversation.

But now, in our time-space continuum 

bedroom I found myself unable to move,

or breath.  It was something beautiful, like

being choked or hundreds of pigeons dying

in mass extinction.  I hadn't forgotten about your

eyes, though I hadn't seen them in something like

four days.  If I were a butterfly in this entomology

lab, you had not only pins but sutures along

with my fears and pains and dreams, my sickness

to use as tools with those black latex gloves on.

You knew love was a sickness in me, and

I love to be sick.

Now that I know whats inside you // I know I don't want you // I know I don't want you~

The last few days have been pretty ok, and by ok I mean generally stressful but only because I make things stressful in my own mind that really, REALLY don't need to be.

So Katie and I got into a fight, it was a pretty big fight, and I hate fights, and I'm not going to detail the lovely result of that fight, but lets say nothing can ever get broken off cleanly, there are always those little shards of glass lodged beneath the skin that as your muscles move, cut themselves deeper and deeper, until one day you'll probably have to get them surgically removed, and the doctor will ask "Why did  you go jumping through windows again?" And intelligently, I won't have an answer.

Collin came over which was a ton of fun to hang out with him.  I sort of wish he'd come over more, but between school and the fact that he lives many a mile away, makes it less likely that I'll see him at any place other than Netherworld games.  We played a ton of HoN together and drank some two liters of soda we walked to Copps to purchase.  All was good!

Katie Lee came over last night, but she really couldn't stay as long as she could have liked due to th fact that there was some sort of 'medical emergency' she had to attend to, but refused to cough up any details regarding it.  So she only stayed for a meager hour and a half (two hours?) before running off to do something that I don't know anything about.  It's nice seeing her, its such a weird feeling reuniting with an old friend especially after so long.

This morning I had some business at MATC, and some job applications to file, and now I am home, probably to play HoN and watch Scrubs with George.  Life ain't so bad something, especially when I don't spend it all worrying about things I have minimal control over.

-John

All those 'best songs' - Whats so best about 'em?

Ugh.  I hate these moments of my life where everything is just sort of fucked for no reason.  I really just want my financial aid to come, want to pay these bills we have to pay, and want to have a real girlfriend again.  Its not a ton of things to ask of, and god damn I want to have the motivation like some people to work + do school.  I just suck so much.  Everyone I know who is in college is like working 20 hours a week and taking four classes, and I'm taking three classes and not working at all?  I'm such a fuck-up I feel so stupid sometimes, for no reason.

I need to get my shit straight, and do it now.  If there ever was a time to stop being such a fuck-face about my life and a laze-ass now is the time, I really need to just do my own thing and study hard, work hard, etc.  I don't care if I'm going to be rich in 3 months, I just need to do this stuff now. :/

I just want to feel the taste of the meal, and not the rotuine of dining here.

Heya,

a long time friend I have not seen in many many years is coming to visit tonight, and I'm pretty nervous about it.  It sort of feels like a blind date in a weird way, because I haven't seen a photograph of her...ever?  But I know what she looked like 3-4 years ago, but as you know people change, so I just don't know what to expect.  It will probably be fun either way, we're going to hang out, catchup, and watch some movies together! :]

School has been going pretty well, nothing too too exciting.  Took an exam and turned in a paper.  The normal day to day stuff that you would expect to happen in...well classes.  =O

I don't think I ever mentioned the concert I went to in my blog, but it was totally freakin' awesome.   I saw Rock Plaza Central and the Weakerthans at the High Noon Saloon on. E Wash like 4 days ago or something, and it was seriously one of the best shows ever.  The bands were both great (As expected) and the venue was close to home and nice.  My fake ID scheme worked (borrow my brother's ID) and I managed to get in scott free.  After the show we ran into Ben Rasmussen, which was really strange (like SUPER strange) because he doesn't in any way like Indie music whatsoever, but he was with a some people including a girl named Nicole who was interested in the weakerthans.  Took a cab home, fin.

Been loving the Mates of State lately, and my TCG player job should be in full swing soon which is nice.  I might want to try and get another job in addition to that, or maybe next semester I'll stop being lazy and be more like Kalen and take like 6 classes at once O_O