Hell sleeps around, and Heaven wants a divorce.

Hello blog.

I spent the afternoon with Katie today. I really actively tried this time to really not get depressed or upset around her when seeing her, because as things are, I am completely happy with every part of my life except for when I think about Katrina and I. Then things get dicey. Talking to her about it is like reading a book with no pages. When I ask her questions she only replies "I don't know", and never explains with any accuracy how she feels.

I'm going to go to Copps and get something to eat, then work out for a few hours. -_-

I am a flightless bird, and there will be no more after me.

I am up early, for another Christmas alone.

I am not in a bad mood though, I'm not sad, and I don't feel like I'm 'alone' (the term is just so depressing, really) but I feel happy and content in the morning for the first time in a while. Yesterday I spoke to my father for the first time in almost half a year. This whole time I knew he wasn't doing well. I knew my father was under a constant stream of pain medication, and I knew that he was out of work and poor, I knew that he was suffering the same nerve sickness that took my grandmother. Yet as my brother would report to me of my father's misgivings I never called him. You see, my father and I never saw eye to eye. We don't really understand each other, and our ways of life are very different. But when I heard he had done what is probably the nicest and most caring thing anyone has done for me in the last year (I can think of only few things that made me think to thank someone so much, the other things belong to Katrina) I called him.

He spoke slowly, and I could tell the medication the doctors had prescribed to him were rough on his body. I could tell when he would stand or walk while on the phone with me, his voice would quiver with each step. Yet, I listened to him. I told him I loved him and appreciated everything he'd done for me as a child, even if he was not a perfect father. Really, the fact of the matter is that he taught me pretty much everything I know to survive. My resourcefulness has a direct relation to how he taught me to interact with others, and how to take care of myself. He was holding back tears, but so was I.

Its not really important WHAT he did for me, or why it really matters that he went and did what he did. My father tries to be a good man, and usually falls short, and I forgive him. He may not be my friend, or someone I'd ever go to to talk, but he dedicated 18 years of his life to taking care of me, and I've never been apreciative or thankful. Whenever someone asked about my father I had only negative things to say because they were the most vivid. He never hit me, he wasn't an alchoholic and he worked every day I knew him to make money. He cooked for us and always bought us new shoes and clothes as we needed them. He took care of us, and he was a good father, even if he was not a good man.

So today, christmas, I am going to be happy that I do have family, and I'm not alone. My Mother and Father are both extremely caring, even if in their own way, even if I am not eating dinner with them tonight, or opening any gifts. So I am happy, really I am. Because of all this, for once when thinking about Katrina I do not feel any bitterness about our ordeal. She went out of her way to get me a gift (a lot of coffee, which is delicious) on Christmas, and I did for her. We smile when we see eachother, and it doesn't feel fake.

-John

I am your pamphleteer

Hello world. :]

Life has been progressing at the rate of a snail. I've done very little on this break really except read/write/edit work that needs to get done and sleep. I've done some Magic playing and hanging out with friends too, but collin is out of town along with most everyone who I can consistently hang out with. I wouldn't even mind hanging out with Katrina more, but she is very insistent on us seeing each other very rarely. Madison is usually out, and while Kalen is a good friend hes not really the silly gamer type (the type of person I most enjoy spending time with) or a literary intelectual.

My diet has been improving a lot lately, which is really good. I haven't had ramen in ages and I've been eating bagels, fruit, corn flakes, milk, water, and the occasional Chipolte burrito to stay fed, which has left me with a lot more energy for my daily work-out stuff than eating infinate ramen, and makes me a bit more sharp for writing/reading. I've replaced a lot of my soda drinking with coffee which is...less than perfect, but what can you do. :]

I went to Katrina's house for a few hours Monday night which was fine. We sort of just sat around and talked which was really all I was in the mood for at the time, and then I went home. It was what it was. Tuesday was fairly boring during the day (I woke up very late after staying up to finish an article) and I really just lazed around and played video games. Around one AM Kalen and Madison took me to copps to do donuts in the parking lot for twnety minutes, then I talked on facebook with Melissa Balch for 5 hours while listening to Johnny Cash (upon Kalen's request, who was finishing the beer pong table.) and interneting. Lately I've been actively talking to people who are on my facebook friends list but I literally never talk to just because it seems sort of awkward to me that they are even there. Plus I must think the person is at least tolerable to even be on my 'friends' list.

Tonight I went out and drafted at NW and tested 1.x for the tournament in a couple weeks. I went 2-1 in the draft and didn't lose a single game with my constructed deck. yayyyyyy

The rest of the week is pretty open. Everyone else is home with their familys so I'm to spend the holiday alone. Sorta lame but I'll probably get some work done.

-John

It seems like life's a party where everyone gets drunk and laid - but me.

Just hopped out of the shower, feeling fine, etc. :]

Nothing much has happened in the last couple days really.  I've been pretty busy lately, mostly just hanging out with friends and whatnot.  Staying up late, working, and going to walmart/perkins at 2am with Kalen and Madison.  Magic has been exceedingly fun lately, maybe the more relaxed and less competitive approach has inceased my enjoyment. :]

Something I really never told anyone (mostly out of embaressment) but have been telling a lot more people lately is that women make me rediculously nervous.  The act of being in the same room as someone of the opposite gender makes my palms sweat, and makes me generally nervous feeling.  Why?  I don't know.  I dated Katrina for two years and I still cannot talk to her without feeling nervous.  Every single girl I meet I am nervous around.  I'm not sure why this is honestly, but I've become very good at hiding it I suppose.  Its not something I can work past, or get better with, its just sort of a part of who I am.  I wish that wasn't the case sometimes (most of the time) but hey, what can you do.  I just happened to be terrified of girls.  That is unfortunate because I'm straight as well.  Le sigh. =P

Not really sure what to say here.  I've had a lot of private blog entries lately but that feels so greedy :P

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits.

Hello world.

Since we last left our hero, I've paid the electricity bill, ate lots and lots of Chipoltle (omg burritoes) and 1-2 drop'd a magic event =(

Really like hasn't been too exciting. Pretty sure Nicole isn't interested in a 'relationship' (they all want to be my friend though it seems; frustrating) just judging by the way she acts around me. But hey, you can't win em all...or any of them. >.<

Collin spent the night last night and we played like infinite video games, it was really fun browsing on his OKC profile looking for cute boys while he was like "ugly, ugly, ugly, WOW NO WAY, ugly, this guy messaged me and I NEVER messaged him back, etc, etc, etc" It was pretty funny and we ate some enormous quanitity of chinese food during. We also played hon!

I have a tournament in minneapolis in two weeks, but other than that I'll just be working and hanging out with people and whatnot.

I write down good reasons to freeze to death, in my spiral ring notebook.

Oh dear has my life been busy o.o

What have I done in the last couple days since my poetry update? Well...

I received a series of calls from my mother explaining that the book counterpart of the screenplay deal is going into its editing process before publication, and that I need to read through and edit the whole thing. I finished off season four of Dexter (wow this show is good) and figured out that I won't be attending school next semester because of some financial stuff, and some "I'm going to be busy" =)

I met a girl named Nicole, shes really cute (and by cute, I pretty much mean dead hot, but I don't want to come off like a pig) and very smart. Shes read Kafka (as much as I have!) Murakami and Vonnegut, and we've had huge at length discussions about it already. Shes a poet as well, and honestly I'm really excited to get to know her more. Ive been trying to be less awkward/shy, and its easier when we can both talk about something we love (and have arguments about philosophy!) She also has good taste in music.

If the exclamations didn't give it away, I'm excited.

I saw my ex today, talking about it tears me up inside so I'll refrain from doing so publicly.

The glove compartment isn't accurately named.

Nerds

Those glasses are definitely glasses,
that witch nose holds them up -
thick black frames with freckles to
boot. You ask me which nerdy
TV show I am watching next.

The winter air from the 2nd story
balcony of my apartment lingered.
We both hate this time of year, you
lit another cigarette and sighed. For
all your intricacies, the dress

that you bought from Saint Vinny's
thrift store was more than likely
whiter than snow had ever been,
and your untanned indoor skin
could have only been developed

from hours of watching 70s cult
classics on VHS. I wish I knew about
more indie music to impress you,
or could quote Army of Darkness
with such clarity. You were on a
different level.

These Things in Common

I was sitting cross legged
on my green couch. You threw
your legs with little grace over the
cushions and lay your head in my lap.

I could only think that my belt buckle
was causing your head harm. I focused on
the object of your head, the lead
weight on my thigh
or the blank stare of the television

trying to communicate to me topics
of conversation were the opposite
of my concerns. Which awkward place for
my arm; what piece of you is "PG"?

After it was all said I pushed my lips
against you (hunched over, I felt
the cold sweat on my back)
but nothing was organic, not even
the tea from my mother's care package.

Something About Pink

There is something about pink hair
now that I had spent two years
opening my eyes to the smell
of her scalp. That hair
dye smell. My pillow cases
all have a pink smudge still.

There are pink flowers, and then
there is pink hair. When I saw your
pick hair, I did not think about flowers,
but in reverse it was all I could muster.

You looked so much younger in pink -
at least we were younger, and my opinions
and thoughts of your hair
mattered so much more.

Untitled

The birds cared more about
my poetry than you ever did,
even though I never wrote
many poems about birds.

I'm moving on - I hope you're coming with me

=O

Arggggg, so bored!

I started this post last night before I was to go to sleep, but ended up lacking the motivation to really finish it. Perhaps because nothing too exciting has been happening in life, or because I was too busy being constantly pestered to game by my Internets friends.

So it turns out since financial aid is crushing my soul by being total assfaces for no reason, I need to come up with 1300$ out of pocket to keep attending school. I have a few reasonable options but all of which involve asking relatives for money, and I genuinely refuse to do to. The final option is to wait until...you know, and then go to school, but I feel like I've taken enough time off school for gaming stuff and I really just want to be hammering 6 classes a semester until I'm caught up. Ideally I'd like to graduate as early as possible (still behind my class if I were to have started out of HS unfortunately) by taking maximum classes a semester and summer courses. Either way, it would involve getting money from my relatives (to be fair most of whom know about whats going on in the writing / movie world with me and my mother) and I just hate doing that. I hate accepting or asking money from anyone and it bothers me to no fucking end to have to borrow or just take free money off people who worked hard for it, even if it would be very easy for me to pay them back in the future, or even if its for a good cause, like my 'education'.

I really dislike how I have to get this piece of paper telling me I'm educated, how my family expects me to, and how I'll never be able to date an inteligent grad student girl if I'm out of school and have no degree, or how I'll have to be a genuis of a writer to actually teach as a professor at a university if I don't get a PHD in something. It just seems like such a huge blowout that no matter how inteligent I already am I need a piece of paper to prove it and then, only then will I have a shot at getting the actual job I want with my life. Of course there is the 'just be a writer since you've already gotten your break' option, but I can't help but feel lazy or stupid then. Blah I hate emotion, and thoughts. Go away!

---

back from the bus stop, turns out I won't be participating in the Bascom Hill snowball fight today as buses are not running. What a disapointment. :[

Ive written poetry lately, enjoy.

-John

---

She never writes good poetry

and I can never tell her why. I
can never explain that her sylables are
not silhouettes, her mouth does not
move when she types each word, she
does not pronouce those words alloud.

She is detached from her poetry,
a surgeon with mask watching her patient
lay still on a hospital bed.

Snow

I met her at the Bascom Hill
snowball fight. It was a civil war,
the kind of war you read about
in your 2nd grade history class
wondering if Jenny will say
'Hi' to you at lunch today.

But of course, she won't,
and this girl won't call me back,
despite our brutal struggle
as comrades on the battlefield.

So I sit and pretend like I don't mind that I don't know you, or what your schedule might look like on any given Thursday afternoon.

Hello!

After staying up for 38 hours and sleeping for 13 I feel much better now.

It tends to be at times like these when I have difficultly updating my blog, or when I have difficultly allowing myself to place any of my feelings here especially when so many people read it.

Regardless, today was a very relaxing day of doing very little. I woke up around 1 to hang out with Madison, pay rent a tad late (whoops) and get something to eat from the grocery store. I wrote some poetry and played HoN with collin, started my article for this week, and listened to old techno music I used to like from back when I played DDR often. I then proceeded to work out and play more video games. -_-;;

In typical Madison (the person) fashion, I was sitting at my computer playing HoN with him passed out on the couch, and over the microphone in HoN I was just being a random internet douche to some guy in the game I was playing (to be fair he was being SUPER annoying) and right about when the game ended Madison rolls over and off the couch and says "what were you bitching about, you woke me up a while ago?" I explained my general frustration with my teammate from the game, and Madison said something to the effect of "You really shouldn't take your 'I got rejected so I'm frustrated' rage out on random internet kids." What can I say, when you live with someone for almost three years (and pretty much tell him everything) you start to really understand exactly when someone is even remotely frustrated or upset about something that happened to them, especially if its dragging on. I could only reply

"ya got me."

When Madison is trying to make me feel better about something, he tends to say the exact wrong thing, or just makes me not think about the problem at all. What is amazing about the exact wrong thing is that it often makes me feel 100x better than anything that anyone could say that is even remotely accurate. The conversation went like this

Madison - "Yea dude she was totally hot, like way out of your league. You usually date average to ugly chicks with good personalities. So do you like have no chance of ever getting any with her, or like, you have a small chance if you play it right, because right now I'm crushing you in the 'whos getting their dick wet' contest."

Me - "I don't care about any of that or how attractive she is, it was probably the last thing on my mind."

Madison - "If you're not thinking about having sex with her then she's probably not the right guy for you, but it was probably the fact that you're condescending and arrogent, and she just isn't into that."

Me - "The thought crossed my mind... -_- but you're probably right about the latter."

Madison - "Honestly, all college girls are like this. Say one thing, do another, act like they want a relationship, kiss you and then say no. You shouldn't actually worry about it. Dating girls in college looking for an actual relationship is like playing magic knowing that no matter what you'll go 0-2 drop at every tournament. Until you're 30 you aren't winning a single match. Girls just want to have fun...or something, plus by the sounds of it you aren't a big enough heartbreaker for her. Some girls just want for you to be the type that may just fuck them over for no reason. Besides, did she even wait till your 'my heart is broken' card to resolve before she played 'stradle you '? (oh magic references)

Me - "I have a good poker face...*sigh* I'm not going to cheat on girls and treat them like crap just because it will probably get me laid."

Madison - "Who fucking cares about you or your feelings, the way you treated Katie for two years makes any guy look like shit compared to you, and you're vastly the smartest and nicest person I know, so stop being a fucker and buy this soda for me."

I bought him two bottles of RC from the vending machine, the Pepsi was sold out, so I got Cherry Pepsi and a Root Beer. On the way home we talked about Arielle very little, I didn't really want to anymore, I just figured this is the 'well thats that, look for another girl' conversation that I've been waiting to have with someone so they could tell me that Im great and I should look for someone who deserves me. Insted Madison insulted me and bragged about how hes getting laid and met this totally awesome chick, with some random advice thrown in. It beats the hell out of someone telling you "better luck next time kid!"

So maybe what he says is true, being that every girl I've met after highschool has been worse about getting involved in relationships with me than every single girl I've met after, perhaps part three is being middle aged. Lets fucking hope not.

That was vastly more text than I wanted to spend on the subject matter (mostly because it makes me sound like I am obsessed or overly interested in a person I barely know when in fact I'm just overly analytical and boring) so i'll cut it there.

I don't have any plans at all for god damn ever, and I'd really love it if anyone called me this week with the express interest in hanging out with me. It seems like my phone rings less and less lately, mostly because I'm the only person I know who isn't completely flooded with school work to do. My article will be done, and finals are coming up but I don't have to study for any of my classes, I already known everything I've supposedly 'learned' this semester, and could have probably taken the final and passed in 3/4 classes anyway.


That is all, my next updates will hopefully be far less miserable.
---

Breaking up, and down.

My legs hung over the edge of
her futon couch. Narrow room -
the noise of her tears, my hands
around her neck. The blinking
of wet eyelids never popped
with such ferocity.

With my hands in my lap,
her legs drapped over my
legs I met the encroaching
goodbye sink deep, its anchor
in my gut.

You should leave now, I can't
do this,

is what I'd hear. Such a small
voice.

But I just hate to say goodbye to all the metaphors and lies that have taken me years to come up with.

안녕

So, since my last bloggaroo update not much has really gone down (as usual o.o) though I suppose I'm in a pretty good mood all things considering. As of waking up yesterday morning I have yet to sleep, I have eaten infinite lean cuisines from Copps that were on sale for 2$, several loafs of bread, a few pomegranates and loads and loads of caffffinnneeeee. Collin spent the night friday night and we spent the literal entire night flipping nunchuks around, playing HoN, eating food and watching flash videos on his computer. Before you know it 9am rolls around, I'm brushing my teeth and throwing what little of my deck(s) I have in my WW1 styled sling bag and the Myatt Mobile (Jason's car) shows up ready to take us to the event.

I of course, in typically John fashion after spending a literal thirty minutes scrambling to ask every single person in the room of they'd be willing to lend me 500$ worth of cardboard so I can actually play in the event, fashionably 0-2 drop the event, after playing my worst matchups very early in the tournament. Collin will go on to play in the final round against Matt, which is a very frustrating match to watch. Regardless, he did not succeed in his quest for defending his title.

I feel like I accidentaly annoyed/frustrated Arielle over FB chat last night by mentioning how easy it is to check exactly how often somone views my blog (I really meant it in more of a cute way, that shes interested in my life etc) but somehow I got the vibe that she was genuinely flustered by it. Perhaps its just text communication at work but I'll be sure to apologize to her next time I get the chance. Besides, there are some people who view this blog *ALOT*. Like, people I don't even know who check it like 10+ times a day. Thanks for the free money google adds <3

Poetry

---

First poem in a week

"I'm alright, you know."
She asks again, if I'm - alright.
I am.

Song Song Song

I detailed the contents of each song,
a silouette. Those pieces of me, of
the names of each musician, though
I am the only one who cares.

The magic word is every word, so just say it.

Hello.

I have not updated since last Saturday I believe. I haven't had all too much to say, as my life has been devoid of most interesting things lately. I've had thoughts sure, but I've been writing magic articles and papers and my fingers just really didn't feel like typing all week.

Monday and Tuesday went by like nothing at all, worked a ton on poetry and article related stuff so I could reach deadlines on both respectively. I've been playing a ton of this one video game HoN with some newly acquired internet friends I met through Collin's friend, Eli. They aren't very good at the actual game, but its enjoyable to play with them in general.

Wednesday Chris Schaut came over and we played Go for a few hours. Go is a game that I've known how to play, and have played for almost seven years (including downtime etc) but didn't really fully get into until I saw the anime Hikaru No Go. Either way, I give him a nine stone handicap when we play (hes new) and its been very fun playing in person again. Part of the main reason I quit playing Go all the time was because Wednseday nights are usually magic nights. Speaking of which, I drafted twice at NWG, 2-1 records all around. Madison 3-0'd the last draft and got two reasonably difficult to find cards for our decks on saturday for the state championship. Either way, it was less than fun playing magic. I wish I enjoyed it more sometimes, but my interest is dwindling.

Then Thursday rolled around. The day was largely uninteresting. My eyes woke up at 10, the rest of me was up at 11. I jogged to copps for something to eat and jogged back, nunchucked for a while and did the rest of my normal morning work-out stuff before hopping in the shower. I made sure I had the movie DeathRace2000 around (I misplace things a lot >.>) and cleaned up the apartment a bit (mostly the dishes, the rest was fine) before playing a couple games of HoN and watching it snow for a half hour or so. Then Arielle came over. I guess the 'entire' visit went fine. * There was more to all this, but now there is less. I wrote it in my paper journal and did not detail it here.

After Arielle left Madison had a girl coming over and Kalen and I scrabled over to Copps and Shopko to buy stuff for beer pong, and then came home to meet her. I forget her name (which is bizzare for me) but she was fairly cute and we basically played infinate beer pong, of which I drank almost zero because Kalen man'ed up and drank all of it for me (because A| I hate drinking, and B| I hate the taste of beer) and we just played around doing that for a while before around two when I decided I want to sleep. Word on the street is Madison totally got laid after they were both trashed, which puts him ahead of me in the 'whos getting laid' race that is constantly happening between us (since highschool) I'm wondering to see how that pans out with this girl. She seemed fine.

-John

We will walk the earth in seperate states, but I am only a phone call away.

Hi! ( I cannot find a youtube link to the song in my title, it is "Even Cheerleaders Get Lonely" by Danielle Ate the Sandwich. If you ask nicely I will send it to you. ;D )

Today was pretty chill. I was pretty stressed out upon waking up for pretty silly, embarrassing reasons that I'd prefer to not go into detail on, but I managed to pick my day up by hanging out with my roommate Madison and getting a good jump on my article for the coming week. I've found that I will generally always be late on my deadline if I reserve all my work for the last minute largely because I just lack the motivation to sit for two hours and write about nothing but Magic. So if I do it in a half-n-half fashion, I pretty much always end up with a better more well-rounded result that I am happy to submit, rather than something I tossed together because "hey its 1am and my article is due by 8am...time to get to work"

Oh, rewind to last night, where I'm standing outside of NW downtown with about twenty minutes to burn before my friend arrived to play some Magic with myself thinking "You know you should really call her, she seems to like you, and you like her, so you like, you know, like...call? Yea, call, thats what you do when you want to talk to someone, you call them...but...what if she doesn't want to talk to you? I mean if she wanted to talk to you she would have called YOU, you don't have to be the go-getter, plus you'll probably just come off as desperate or annoying if you call her. So don't!" I had this conversation with myself in my head maybe once or twice more before deciding that I'll just call her tomorrow, but as fate would hate it I'm completely incompetant at using touch-screen phones and shortly thereafter the phone was ringing calling her (I pressed call insted of...you know...not call) and suddenly her voice is on the other line saying hello. As it turns out she was with a friend so eventually she called me back later. I don't know why I'm so silly when it comes to these 'new' things. I swear I have to be the most rediculous person ever. I will stress out forever about the dumbest little things that really don't matter all that much in the grand scheme of things (like whether or not I should call someone who probably would like to hear from me) but when it comes to actual-factual relationship stuff I always nail it without hesitation. I think most people are the total opposite, but who knows. Either way, mission accomplished - I had a lovely little conversation and made myself feel silly for the ramp-up to it when she was so clearly interested in speaking to me. Arielle and I have plans to have plans (yep) later this week, of which I'm extremely excited for.

That was an enourmous wall of text with no line breaks. Enjoy.

That is mostly all, I am not going to my friend chris' house to play some Settlers of Catan and enjoy Cheese Fondue (whoohoo!) which at first I wasn't terribly excited to be invited to, but now I actually feel like its going to be very fun. I'm going to meet his GF Carlie as well, and hopefully play some Starcraft with him after shes all done gaming, or even some T2 Magic. =)

Good week coming up me thinks, or at least, I have a good feeling about it, whatever that means.

Here is some poetry.

---

Casserole of the Damned

We stand under the glow
of the holy halogen
as it collects the wayward smoke
from your Parliament full flavors.

A little selfish, if you ask me.
(You don’t)
Maybe the soft white bulb
in the reading lamp likes
secondhand smoke as well.
As usual,
you never bothered to ask it.

Minus the creaking
Of hundred year-old appliances,
Silence fills the kitchen.
There’s really nothing to say

Except, of course,
“should we check on the casserole?

And the big question.
Both of us are thinking it,
but neither wants to ask it out loud.

It’s the question that is weighing
so heavily on our minds,
that we are leaving shoe imprints
in the hardest kitchen tile in the all the world.
“Why the fuck are we making a casserole?

EDIT:

Going to Chris' place was totally awesome. I met his GF who is getting her PHD in Psychology at the UW, and she was really nice. We played a couple games of Settlers of Catan, and Dominion, both of which were very, very enjoyable. We also had cheese fondue. =D

With these words I will relearn you, and someday I'll see you again.

Good morning!

I went to bed pretty early last night. I bought some food from copps to eat, made said food, played a bit of video games, and then went to sleep. Ah yes it is a boring day today, BUT it is that once a week nerd-fest that I actually never go to - Friday Night Magic! I actually have found myself really grudging playing magic with others, as a large portion of my actual friends are huge magic players, but tonight I really feel like playing. Maybe just to get out and see some people, or perhaps because for once in a great while I actually feel like playing some magical cards. Either way I'll be there tonight at NWG. =P

I was thinking about how of all of the 'artsy' things I could have picked to do (like I even really had a choice...) writing was the one that stuck out for me, and the one I ran with. In a sense, being a writer is probably the worst possible of all of your options (singing, dancing, painting) as it is far and away the more difficult to showcase, and far and away the least social of all artsy activities. Writing is solitary, submitting to contests is solitary, and even writings counterpart, reading, is (mostly) solitary. It is sort of a weird thing that happens with writing. You are bound to be a hermit. It sort of blows.

Lately I've been looking into all the slam poetry stuff going on in madison (of which there is a lot) and I'm thinking of going to a reading sometime in the next two weeks or so. I usually read on the first thursday of every month at Avol's, so I'll talk to people and see if theres anything else going on that I can get involved in.

Anyway, I do feel better. I have a lot to look forward to next week as well, which is nice. :]

Go down to the netherworld; plant grapes.

Hello. (and sorry my title doesn't link to a song, it is 1 Samuel 15:23 - By the Mountain Goats)

Today is thanksgiving, and not much is happening today, nor has it happened in the past few days. I had some class, and some work to get done, but now I largely have nothing going on.

Since my update I've spent most of my time at work on a paper due on Tuesday, and my article. From that point I had a ton of poetry editing to finish as there is another relevant competition coming up that I should be submitting to, and I feel like I have a good shot at winning it. I've played a fair bit of Magic, as the State Championship is coming up in a couple weeks and I want to be as prepared as I can, considering the tournament is literally at my back door as far as events go, and is like a 20 minute bike ride or a simple 5 minute car ride to the event. I decided that this year Im going to care less whether I win or lose. I'm just going to play a deck that I personally enjoy, that makes me feel good or laugh, and just socialize and have a good time with my friends.

I really dislike this time of year. Not only do I have a dislike for the winter time (aside from being able to wear a scarf, its like my only savior...) Holidays always bum me out hardcore. I've never had a family that really celebrated the holidays as a family. My father would make something to eat, we'd eat it. That was thanksgiving. It wasn't really a special occasion (not saying it has to be or even I want it to be) but seeing so many other people happy when I am literally going to the store to buy some food to cook for myself is probably the most depressing thing ever (at least on paper) and I feel like just going to sleep and waking up in a few months when people aren't talking about all the great time they spent with their family and good food they ate. I've spent every holiday since I moved out of my parents house alone, and that is just the way it has been. My mother lives many many hundreds of miles away, and my father is someone I'd rather not associate myself with, my brother found a friend's family to spend thanksgiving with, and Madison is spending it with his family (his sister I believe) as well. Katrina is having family, people are out of town to go back to their families and friends, and I am in my apartment writing poetry and eating alone.

=(

There are good things though, it isn't all bad. I am healthy, and overall, happy. I have my own place, an income, and in months I'll be shopping for a place of my own, and a I'll be *real* writer. Not sure what about being published or successful makes you 'real' but I will be. This time of year last year I was getting scans for cancer, generally unhappy, having troubles with my relationships of others, working at a department store and not in school. Today I am proud of the work I've done, and that should be enough to make me happy, at least for now. I met a pretty cool girl (you know who you are) AND I am starting to enjoy gaming on a casual level, a huge step for me, as I've only ever gamed to win, never to just enjoy the game. So I'm very happy with that. Its just this time of year that gets to me for some reason, but I gotta pick myself up.

Anywho, that is all. =)

-John

You'll find a god in every golden oyster; and if you're lucky then the god's a she.

Hello!

I woke up at 7am this morning, jogged to copps and back (omg its cold out T_T) ate yet another pomegranate, and have been working out for the last two hours or so. My routine lately has been really awesome. Nunchaku are really great for working out, my arms are like on fire after I practice with them for 30 or so minutes (you know, that good burn that jocks talk about...or something) and between that and my jogging I feel like its a really fun morning routine. That combined with a pretty reasnonable diet (ok yea, I do still eat ramen noodles) with lots of fruit I feel better than ever, at least in terms of body strength.

When I was practicing Starcraft one big thing I never did was excersize. All of the other progamers on my team would always take an hour or two break to jog and work out on weights or whatnot, whereas I always spent that two hours just playing more and more games. Perhaps thats one of the reasons I could never push it in Warcraft3, just bad excersize habbits and bad eating habbits. I think I'd go weeks (if not months) without drinking anything except Coke or Mountain Dew, however I still did cook for myself living in my mother's basement, so the food was typically pretty good.

It is funny how interested my friends and family are in my personal life sometimes. Ever since Katie and I broke up ever time I meet someone nice its like everyone is asking me a million questions about that person. In a way I dislike it, but perhaps its just a representation of people showing they care? (If so how strange) Though more than likely I think its been good for me in a weird way. Being a totally withdrawn and shy person typically when it comes to meeting new people, after Katie I find myself actively seeking out others, rather than just sitting on my computer, or looking down at the ground when I talk to people. I would have never even so much as considered the idea of meeting someone online (maybe out of pride?) prior to recent times. I just never know what to say, and I spend too much time thinking in general when I just need to be more natural. Also I think I'm a tad over-zelous in my pursue of others right now. Everyone needs their space, so on and so forth. Maybe I'm just excited to finally be more outgoing when it comes to the lady-types, or maybe I'm just a creep. Hah! Anyway I don't mind playing a game of 20 questions every time I go on a date, its somewhat fun.

I have an article to write, and some homeworks to do. Unfortunately I am in the mood to do neither, but it is time for self-discipline. =/

Oh - rewind to Yesterday. It was a pretty entertaining day overall, the highlight of which was Japanese Pan Noodles at Noodles and Company downtown. qlkwj12klj1lk2jd SO GOOD.

-John

(I find it funny how I sign my own blog sometimes, but not others, and the fact itself that I would sign a blog that everyone knows is mine)

I saw you trying to smile - hey, you don't have to smile for me.

Hello!

Oh yes, two blog entries in one day. I'm on FIRE! =P

I am totally in love with the song "Store" by the Mountain Goats. I seriously cannot stop listening to it. In fact, I've been in a mega Mountain Goats mood as of late, which is surprising since I scarcely listened to my 'favorite' band at all lately. I was more into a indy/pop/punk sort of mood, but now I'm back to listening to mass folk music, jeeze I'm so goofy.

I spent the majority of the day practicing guitar stuff and writing poetry. I feel so devoid of activity as of late. With a drastic reduction in the amount I've been playing Magic + the fact that school had been extremely easy for me I've had little to no difficultly finishing all the work I have, working for income, and doing tons of creative stuff. I was thinking of going out and buying new oil paints even (oh its been so long brush, I miss you) though I would have to stretch my own canvas, which I have little experience in as my mother would always be delegated to doing such things. I'm not even sure what I'd paint. Probably fantastical little creatures, or just portraits of people I know.

I played a ton of video games with Collin and his best friend Eli online this afternoon as well, probably for like three hours. I often 2nd guess the things I say, and I guess I just am who I am. I think I just need to loosen up. I'm generally not a humble person and its hard to be especially when I'm knowledgeable about something. Regardless, I think the two of them weren't really enjoying my company because I was either taking it too seriously (I can't help it I swear, I'm just naturally competitive >.<) or had comments about things happening in the game to improve it, rather than just play the game. Maybe I just over-think things? Yea, that's probably whats happening here.

Katrina also stopped by for about an hour and a half before work which was fine. We just sat on my couch (at a massive distance from each other, which was pretty awkward) and talked about basically nothing. Small talk largely, whats been going on in our lives in the huge period since I've last seen her (which was at the mountain goats show) and then she left. Not too much to say about it, really.

This coming week is pretty busy for me, I have a lot of work to get done and lots of crap due for classes. I want to go to bed early tonight (and by early I mean like, midnight or shortly thereafter) so I can get into the habit of working out // jogging earlier in the day. My sleep schedule was a little goofy for a week or so and now that I'm more back on track I'd like to keep it that way. Plus I much rather prefer to be active in the morning so I have more opportunity to be lazy in the evening =D

Yea nothing too serious to talk about really today. I am having some internal struggle about a couple things in my life but its not really public information really. Hell, its not even private information, its just some fleeting thoughts that are largely just nonsense. =)

-John

We find ourselves alone since the day we're born, so we seek someone to sew sutures in the places where we're torn.

Arg! Saturday! Going to give Arielle a call at some point to see if she'd like to hang out today/tomorrow, but other than that writing poetry.

The 2nd manuscript I've been working on is entitled "He made his last mistake" I've structured it in ways that I find to be very innovative to modern poetry collections, and I'd say I'm about 20ish poems off having a 150 page book. Regardless I'm very pleased how its progressing, and want to send it off to my mother for editing soon!

This is a completed poem from my book.

Seattle to Chicago

We met on the northern train
line of the Amtrak, somewhere in
North Dakota, where very little happens.
There we left a smoldering piece of us.

But I was hard to get; even after
our meager conversations and your fruitless
attempts to woo me, I was still running
off to the concessions cart for a midnight snack.

The only thing we had in common was the desire
to be up in the middle of the night, aimless.
We would wander with our four legged brains
out into the large windowed box cars.

Nothing was at all interesting then. We watched
the behemoth dirt mounds of North Dakota pass.
The clouds and stars were something cliche, like
pillows or glow sticks pushing against each other

nightmarishly, pleading for us to stay awake.

I'm too embaressed to admit what I've been thinking.

Good morning world. Usually my blog updates come up at around midnight, but for now it will be at 8:42 AM (as of this sentence, but as progressive things go it may be much later until I actually post this) and I have very little planned! Whoooooo~

No class, and no work to get done (or attend) so I am up and about, with little or nothing to do. How sad. =( I am starting to dislike days where I have nothing going on. Ive already spent a good hour jogging/working out (not with nunchucks, more on that in a moment) and played a bit of the video games. Tonight Madison and I are heading downtown to pay back a friend of ours for a 90$ loan he gave us at a magic tournament, eat some noodles and company, and then hopefully I'll get a draft in. I haven't played very much magic at all lately, which sort of sucks but at the same time is a nice break.

Why have I been listening to Katy Perry lately? xD

So two nights ago, and yesterday morning I injured myself a tad. Basically re-learning nunchakus has proved much more painful than I remember, largely because I used foam ones in the doju where I originally practiced them. Suffice to say I may need to see a doctor? Though I can actually move my middle finger today which is a good sign, even if my hand is still in severe pain. >.>

I don't really regret any of my decisions regarding Katrina. In fact, I think everything I did was for the best - exiling myself from her life in the manner which I have was healthy, and correct for both myself and her. This comment or thought isn't so much about her per se, its more about the one thing I miss about having someone so close to me. I don't ever really get to communicate any of my feelings to others without this little corner of the internet I call my blog. This is my only outlet for my feelings, the only way anyone will know what I think and do without being inside my head. I don't really like that to be honest, I much prefer having friends who I can trust and tell anything, or at least having someone who I know wouldn't ever judge me because of some silly thought I had, or even a secret from my past. As it stands right now, there isn't anyone who is particularly close to me, and that sort of frightens me. Having someone next to me when I'm crying is a lot better than crying alone. As it stands I don't think I could cry on anyone's shoulders. Not that I feel like crying, but the comfort of having someone there is non-existant.

Man that was sappy. Have a nice day world.

Your love is like a cyclone in a swamp, and the weather's getting warmer.

I originally intended to just do a poetry update tonight, but I want to write moar! rawr!

I've been writing rather fervently lately. Even with my manuscript complete, sent off, accepted and so forth I have no relented in the slightest in my quest for the improvement in my style. I also began editing the novel I had worked on for ages. It really is a sad piece of fiction, considering a large part of the novella is about Katrina, I find it somewhat painful to read, even if I enjoy the manner in which its written. I swear I should come with a disclaimer on my forehead that says "WILL WRITE THINGS ABOUT YOU IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND"

Influences are a pretty marvelous thing, really. I was thinking about how if I was a hermit I would have an inability to write about anything at all really, because I always find my poetry coming back to the interactions I experience with others, and how I fictionalize them. I think its crazy that so many authors can just bury themselves in their own mind for so long and write. I need a constant stream of information. On weeks prior where I had done very little with my days, sleeping, gaming, eating pretty much exclusively - there was just nothing to write about. I could barely place a sentence on the page when I forced my mind to. How odd.

Sadomasochism came to mind a bit ago, as I had mentioned in passing about my relations about such a girl to a friend, whom remarked "Wow...how'd you let THAT one get away." Which essentially made me re-evaluate some things about people, and about our habits. I did a small bit of thinking (which I'll get back to) while re-watching (though something tells me I've never seen it, just heard enough about it and watched enough small clips to gather its contents rather decently) and honestly, I can't see how a male would apreciate that type of value system in a person. Now, I do not disrespect those who involve themselves in BDSM relationships, nor do I judge them, but I can't see how a person would *want* this. Its hard to imagine how you WANT to choke, hit, etc, a girl during sex. I can't help but think that someone must've happened to you as a child or young adult that would make hurting and dominating people an attractive thing. It transends that though, into dominant/submissive relationships in general (strictly not in the bedroom, perhaps) Either way It has also come up in conversation with a number of people, and I thought it was worth some thought if it kept coming up.

That was an odd entry, I leave you with a poem (or two!)

Puppet Theater

At an even trajectory each silhouette
shutters - your empty voice, my prying eyes.

I wish you had not made that E, a closed mouth
hum following your mispronunciation.

I could not remain with you. I wanted
a note for every vowel. We are staged,

a pair of marionettes, an opera. Interact
with me - tug my strings to pressure my

lips against the tiny hairs on your neck. What
a lonesome puppet I am. What

obstruction can we bring to this performance,
this Shakespeare, this Carmen? For a rude

performer I am a rude audience, but she is
of the nicest character. Put her on stage alone.

Names

Associate me, dear.

Associate me with him.

Associate the letter J to jelousy,
or to intimacy - I had not loved
like I had loved you. If only I could
find such flattering things to say of us.

Associate these terms of endearment
to the ticking time bomb of this
typewriter, this maelstrom of words
eching into the cracks of your brain.

Associate with me prepositions to describe
the ways in which our relationship had turned.
Under, around, beneath the adjective stepping
peacefully away while you cried in my arms.

I associate nothing with you.

I don't want solidarity if it means holding hands with you~

!!!!

Yay!

Whoo!

Etc.

Since friday I've had a very pleasant series of days. Around noon we left for Minneapolis in Jason Myatts car, dreams of winning our very own GP so close to our home town, and laughing about this and that while listening to autotune the news on my cell phone. The trip went by like nothing, four hours in a car seemed like 10 minutes and suddenly I was at a venue with some good friends playing a little magic and watching Jason scrub from a grinder. O well! We were off to Collin's uncle's house (that happens to be HUGGEEEE) for free food/soda ala their awesome hospitality, and some hot tub time with three other guys (yea yea) before an amazing nights sleep in a queen sized bed. Beats the hell out of shitty motel 6 any day folks.

The next morning we were awoken to Collin's family making us pancakes (!!!!!!!) and before too long we were out the door and ready to battle with cards. With only one bye in the tournament, I was able to win five straight matches in a row, only one short of making day two of the tournament in a draft format I was more than confident with my ability in. Unfortunately, the world had it in for me (as usual) and I quickly lost three matches consecutively with little resistance to each opponent. Well, fuck. I felt pretty degenerate about the entire thing. So close yet again. Its been so long since I've been successful at a tournament, Im starting to feel like all the traveling I've done was a waste. I can't let myself feel like this again, that time I spent after my failure with gaming full-time for almost a year was so bad. I have to just pick myself up, even if I'm upset with failure. After beating myself up for literally two hours about it, I went outside of the venue to find I had recieved a text message from Arielle (like five hours prior, but I didn't have reception inside the building) which pretty much picked me up for most of the evening.

I spent most of Sunday just hanging out with friends and enjoying myself as much as possible while not playing in the PTQ on day2 mostly due to lack of interest. I had just spent the last day playing 14 hours of magic to lead up to a huge let-down, and I didn't really feel like going for it again, especially if my streak of awfulness kept up at this rate. Regardless, I had good times with friends and did a bunch of testing for rome (which resulted in a lack of interest in the tournament for me. I had the option of going but I couldn't see in any way in which it was worth it for me)

Once home, I just relaxed and started writing my article for TCG player and showered etc. I cleaned up the apartment a bit in anticipation of Arielle's visit planned for Monday, went over to Kalen's for the newest Dexter (which was pretty mediocre) then went to bed. Madison was up all night listening to some pretty rediculous music. Not the least of which was Lady Gaga's Bad Romance, and "I don't like the look of this" - a willy wonka inspired rap song / video. Yes, its strange. O_o

So then there was the 'date' I had been waiting for. It is funny writing about her, mostly because she will read it, which leaves me with a funny feeling where its like - she knows exactly what I thought, because I keep a public diary of them, whereas I'm not entirely sure of her opinions on the night, though I imagine they are positive. Regardless, I did my shopping for food, as I was cooking for her tonight. I gave my mom a call to tell her how much I love her for teaching my how to cook (and if there is anyone out there looking to get me sexed up, its probaby my mother, even before myself) and then showered/sat around playing games until she called me so I could take her to my apartment. She had gotten off the number four bus about ten to six, and needed help getting back to my apartment, so I assisted. I proceeded to cook some dinner (making her open the cans with the TERRIBLE can opener, muahahaha) and talk to her for a good hour and a half or so before we had to leave for the concert. Having not cooked in a while I feel like I did just fine, which was nice considering I had fumbled in my brain on everything in the recipe. Luckily, its italian food so you can't really fuck it up too bad. I was very happy to see her, let me tell you. I do often wish I wasn't so shy/timid when meeting new people, it makes me seem like I have a lack of self-confidence or something (which I definately do not -_-) and it makes it difficult for me to communicate my feelings correctly at first, because I'm often fighting for the balance of words to say something nice without sounding like a creep. Blah, I just over think things Im quite sure. John - you are not creepy, you are charming and smart *breaths in* - *breaths out*

So we went to the Screamin' Cyn Cyn and the Pons show (and two other completely irrelavent bands that were not very good, and quite loud >.>) which was fantastic. I'm going to stop by the cup-cakery to say hey to shane to tell him how much I loved the show next chance I get, and hopefully get some coffee. I think she really enjoyed herself (in fact I know she did, she said so!) and Adrian was there, which was awesome. We all told stories and laughed together, it was very fun. Adrian mentioned something that made me laugh, and also think a bit. How 'at that age' (he was refering to a time when he was like 19 or so) when you slept with someone, it meant you were 'together' or something to that effect. It makes me wonder a bit about labelization of relationships, and how you even bridge a gap from 'seeing eachother' to a 'relationship' or 'whothefuckcareswhatthisis'. Like do you have to shake on it (sex on it? haha) to go from friends to a relationship? Or is it something that happens in a weird unspoken way. At what point can you say "My girlfriend" without over stepping bounds. Oh these things are so silly, but I can't help but wonder how this all fits in, I actually find it quite interesting on a psychological level how indepth it really all is.

So I walked her back to her place, and took a bus home, and such was my night. It was quite amazing, and I'm very happy. Hopefully I'll see her again later this week. ;D

I have a dentist appointment soon. Very, very soon. I will get judged, a bunch of random nurses and a dentist will think Im gross, then numb my face and repair me. Whoo. Suffice to say, I'm 200% terrified of the dentist, so this will be awful. But its very worthwhile I supposeeeee.

Anywhooooooo, that is all. :]

-John

Oh Cheri, Oh Cheri no more.

Today was pretty uneventful, though it all ended very pleasantly.

I woke up very early to read a text I had missed from my ex Katrina. It seemed like she was freaking out about something, so I gave her a call around the time she normally wakes up to make sure shes doing ok. It feels sort of stupid to be doing something so nice for her, especially considering all I've had to go through, but really I don't wish anything badly on her. Her current boyfriend is a completely fucking failure apparently and does nothing in the way of nice things for her. I'm sorry but if you are in a 'relationship' with someone, if you are 'boy friend and girlfriend' then regardless of what you think, if one of you is depressed and upset the other really should actively do something to remedy that. Damn near every time I could at any point in my relationships with friends or otherwise I've gone out of my way to make them feel happy. I cannot see what mr. Kyle could possibly be thinking if he can't at least be there for her. At the same time, I feel pretty stupid for picking up his slack by calling Katrina to make her feel better (I only new anything was even wrong because my blogger told me she had updated her blog and it was a very...visceral entry) especially when I generally want as little to do with her as possible. Its not like I hate her or don't want to be her friend, I just want to move on. Yes, it was a two year period in my life, yes, I enjoyed the time I spent with her a lot, but I have other things going on I must attend to. I feel like playing the caring boyfriend is not longer in my job description, I'm reserving that for a future endeavor.

Another thing that I was thinking about was how some people look at my poetry so literally. When I write a poem, unless you could specifically apply an instance to me, I would generally say that none of my poems are about myself. My poems are *faceless people*, it is displaying interaction, the usage of the first person is just my preferred way of getting a point across. These poems are not about me, jeeze. >.>

Ok sure, sometimes they are, but its a fun guessing game when you know that not all of them are eh?

Maybe I finally get it, you know, what that 'feeling' is. I'm not a feely type in general, I'm fairly analytical and like to use critical theory to solve problems, but what is this...butterflies? Oh if only I had the ability to write a Shakespearean sonnet now; I feel like a 3rd grader to say the least. I can't really remember the last time I had a crush like this. (Sure I can, but that was some years ago) There is always some degree of excitement when you meet someone who fits a general schemata of things. Intelligence? Check. Attractiveness? Check. Alright I guess its time to get to know you! Oh I'm silly, let me tell you - but I can't help but feel enthralled at moments like these. It is so rare for me to really find someone who I can communicate with (let alone tolerate for extended periods of time) mostly because I have high standards, but that's my own problem I guess. I'm just excited I suppose. :D

Lately I've felt like magic has become a tad tiresome. I'm sort of tired of spending money on it, even if I largely make it back actually playing. I'd rather just have 80$ lying around on my counter than spending it on a tournament and then doing well in that tournament and winning it back. Its sort of a weird ebb and flow that I am not so fond of anymore. This GP will likely mark the last of the big magic events for me for a while. I want to get my ass in gear on more writing based stuff (I've been slacking lately) and really push myself towards that stardom of being a famous author and whatnot. Plus, theres always round two for gaming when Starcraft 2 comes out right? (KIDDING)

I did plan on taking Starcraft 2 seriously when it came out, working with that same fervent pace I once did in RTS games of old, though I realize I am 20, I'm not a little kid. Putting aside this dream seems a lot more inteligent than chasing it in this case. But who knows, I may still go for it. Regardless, I'll certainly play SC2, maybe just not as a job this time. ;]

I had a pretty sweet phone conversation with Arielle today involving natural affinity for this or that, and how easy it is to destroy yourself / tear yourself down over things you can't do all that much about. Im no masochist, but I do beat myself up over losing in Magic / Starcraft / Anything when I really can't do much about it. Sure, maybe I could have trained for another six hours, but would I have won that match if I did? Probably not. I've never been the best at anything I've done, I've always been really really good, above average, or a known player. I could never take it to that level of being a champion. But who needs it anyway?

I'm going to the screamin' Cyn Cyn and the Pons concert with Arielle on Monday! Whoohoo! I have not seen Shane perform in some time so I really do hope they go all out for this concert. I believe its their first concert back as the pons, as Shane was taking off for his own one man show for a while. Not to mention I get to introduce Arielle to a thumping, loud, awesome indy show. Hopefully she will enjoy herself enough to want to go to other shows with me, and if not have interest in other indy shows at least she'll have had a good time.

This post ended up being huge O_O

-John

I hope when you think of me years down the line - you can't find one good thing to say.

I'm in a good mood, how lovely!

It is by my count, 1:43 AM, on a Thursday morning. Friday at noon I will be in a car Minneapolis bound for a tournament that could potentially mean a lot for my Magic career. I've done very little practice lately, and I really don't care much either. I know how to play the cards in this format, I swear I feel like it was built for me, high land counts, aggressiveness, all of it. I feel good about this weekend, I want to take one home for all the times I haven't quite gotten there lately.

It is in fact, time to sleep. I have classes tomorrow you know, those things I really must attend because Im an intelligent human being! And because...erm, I enjoy it or something. Yea, that's it. =)

Yes, not much of an update, mostly just a little blurb about how happy I am with the way my life is progressing overall. Sleepy sleep time me thinks. o.o

This is the Dream of Win & Regine

*yawwwnwnnn*

It is so very late, I say. Sleep? Of course not!

Wednesdays are usually my 'do nothing and love it' days, but the last couple days have been so devoid of...anything really, that I'd much prefer to go out and do something, I'm free all day people, c'mon call me! ;P

This is largely a poem update.

---

Dream poem #1

Like ballerinas, two dozen birds
diving, dipping through the mist
of my front lawn. Tell me dear,
do you remember it much different?

Front porch; stepping stones to the
sadism, my mother naked and her professor
with his large Indian hands around her neck.

Indian ring neck parrots are my favorite bird.
My favorite memory is of his mouth like a shovel
scooping the shells and seeds of sunflowers into
his jaws - crushing the steel in a city

like construction. It is always a construction site,
my relationship with her; my memory of him.

---

Dream Poem #2

There is nothing as brutal as masturbation;
I am primal then, my stomach tips like an
iceberg over the top of the bath water.
If I had a larger bathtub I would have
invited her to join me, but I am alone.

The television is so loud, god so loud -
turn it off, please? The water erupts
over the edges of the silky white tub
thick - suds and semen, thick with
lies, your primal eyes of enjoyment.

---

Origami Poem #2

My women were little figurines on my desk.
They were paper figments - skin peach, purple,
bronze and silver reflecting the light from my
desk lamp. I had not framed them.

They had gone peaceful, I had no need to fold their
limbs back till I heard that sharp crack and bury
them in my backyard. I couldn't disagree now that
I was possessive, hooking them with tiny

silk strings and hanging them from the ceiling.

--

These are all rough ideas, none of which were re-read or edited.

But - what if they like it, and lock us in a cannery with your accordion until we canned our love?

Oh today...today...

I think I let everyone stress me out too much about relationships. The notions of others, and the advice of others is not valuable nor does it really pertain to my own relationships. There are no rules, repeat after me, there are no rules.

After working on a manuscript of poetry literally all day I found myself being asked to leave by my brother (I believe the term is 'sexiled' as I've heard) and it got me thinking to an extent. Either way, I had asked a couple people when it was appropriate to call a girl for the 2nd date. Most people were like "man you gotta make her wait for it, like 3-5 days or something" and some people said I should wait till she calls ME. My brother's GF Jaquie was just laying down on our couch, and George mentioned my issue in passing, and she looked at me stone face and basically said "who fucking cares, just call her, whats the worst that could happen." *shrug* Ya got me.

So I took the bus downtown, and gave her a call on my way, and much to my pleasure she had no plans for the evening. I had left my wallet at home accidentally, so I had the bright idea of playing some board games over at Netherworld with her. Hapily she accepted and I introduced her to a Madison + John + Nicole favorite - Lost Cities. This game isn't really the most skill intensive, its not really the 'best' game I've ever played, but it was simple enough for a date and I knew that it'd be enjoyable to play over conversation for certain. Also, the game is pretty non-interactive so it wouldn't be too...comeptitive? Either way it was totally fun, she met Jim and BK, and they were really nice to her which was really my only concern in takinger to the card store - crazy people! ;D We went for a walk, and we kissed outside her apartment before I said goodbye.

Since then I've finished off my TCG player article, been tempted to watch the movie Death Race 2000 (I'm reserving it for Arielle and myself) and walked over to the gas station for some snacks (ramen and soda, whoo!) Now I plan on sleeping and whatnot, tomorrow Arielle and I may be seeing a movie after my classes, but otherwise I'm doing nothing. Hopefully my TCG player money comes through so I can forward it through paypal. A little short right now! :|

I've started playing Starcraft again for fun, I'm 11-2 D+ after playing for a couple hours tonight, which I'm pretty happy about being kind of rusty. I'm still crappy as ever against Zerg, but hopefully that will improve for real this time. I made a vod that you can see here -

http://www.xfire.com/video/186208/

So I've cleaned up my life I guess. Not even a year ago I didn't have a job nor was I in class, but really after it was all said and done, I rose to the challenge, and I'm ready to put the final nail in the coffin of my depression, and move on. My dental hygiene common sense completely failed me for about a year, and because of it I now have some pretty gross front teeth. Drinking a twelve pack of soda and brushing once a week will do that to you, and because of it my teeth look abysmal. Most people don't notice the extent to which the caps of my front teeth are decayed largely because I am very aggressive about the manner in which my lips move to mask it, but its there, and I know it. Its my one qualm about dating, that people will judge me so harshly on it, so I do everything I can to hide it. I'm embarrassed of it, but I have a dental appointment coming up that will put that final memoir of what was easily the worst point in my life away. I've never been more excited. I'm in school, and in half a year I'll be living the life (hopefully!) and i've worked so hard to get where I am. A job, school, etc. My father and mother both abandoned me in Madison, but I have pushed myself. I feel great, and with this final move to brighten my future I'll finally be at peace with my emotions. That distiction, the feeling of failure, the lack of creativity that felt so painful, the worries of death, everything, all gone. Life is good.

Life is really good... =)

-John

We are the living dead, the living dead, thats the way it is, the way its always been.

Such a nice weekend, really. I did very little, it was fantastic! I didn't have a magic tournament to attend to in any exotic location (though I did play a fair bit over the weekend with friends) and I played a ton of video games, wrote at least three dozen really nice poems, and worked. I have to finish up an article for TCGplayer soon so I can get some extra spending monies for this weekend. My plans for the week include a dentist appointment and classes. Whoohoo?

There was an interesting 'thread' if you will on Collin's FB wall relating to equal rights between genders that I thought was something I'd defiantly be interesting in discussing with anyone. Largely, in blunt terms, it was saying that men and women ARE NOT equal. It was not defering either gender to being superior to another, but it was saying that for certain men and women aren't equal. I found it pretty interesting to say that least, something I tended to have not thought about for fear of sounding uneducated somehow.

*all* of my poetry has been about sex. All of the poems I wrote were about sex, which is something I'm convinced of the reason for. At face value one could just say "well its been so long since you've gotten laid!" but I don't feel thats the case. I've spent the *entirety* of my writing, published work or non, private or public, talking non-discretely about human interaction, love, death, etc. The way we move feel and reflect on one another. This is something that inspired me to write in the first place - people. I do not care about nature, or how beautiful a sunset is, it is not something I find myself having any interest to write about. I've never written about sex, but I think its likely the next stage in progression in writing about people. I haven't harnessed the exact way I would like to phrase a lot of things, and its been a learning experiance for sure. How can you talk about sexual penetration in different words? "I was inside her" and "Penetration" etc are such overused words, what else is there to say though? Some things are some rotten, (I came, Tits, Pussy, etc) while others are too scientific (intercourse, penetration, etc) and I haven't found a balance on where I like to discuss sex, where I want to feel sex, and how I want to tell her what I think about sex within the context of the poem. Sometimes sex is fucking, sometimes its kissing and saying 'I love you' but that doesn't mean you can't talk about coming and fucking in one, and not ejaculating and having 'intercourse' in another. I'm just not sure where the words go, and theres very little middleground. Some words have no place (boobs, ass, dick) while others have to be used sparingly. Its actually very frustrating when editing to see this.

So regardless, thats that. Below is a poem I wrote that I found particularly striking, I've not edited yet at all (as per my waiting rule on doing so) but I feel like it turned out fine for a rough draft.

---

From the look in her eyes, I could see

she wanted me to split her open like a

fissure in the road.

Clothes off -
tango with your pants at your ankles; we
had not yet closed the blinds.

The oven was on, though who gives a fuck about the
casserole now, long as I had came before it burns all is well.

By my telling we had a good fifteen minutes.

A timer? How thrilling. I could tell
our shirts were not leaving the safety
of our skin. We ducked into the alcove between the
living room and the bedroom before she had
started turning the dials of my lips.

She was cracking an exotic code, not knowing
what I liked, nor I her, we began fumbling with
the numbers on the lock. She wasn't new, and despite
the bleeding from her wound she knew
a lot about apples.

I could tell it was getting closer to when I'd
'crack' the code, I didn't want to - fuck you.

And I am placing fingers in the notches of your spine~

So the concert last night was fairly awesome, to a degree. The opening band was "Final Fantasy" which I enjoyed FAR more than the Mountain Goats in that I thought it was very innovative, fantastic music, and it was something new to my ear. That is not to say I didn't positively love the goats, but Final Fantasy did something for me that night that very few other bands could really do. If you do look them up, I'll give you a little idea of what hes like. Basically he plays a melody on his violin into a sampler, which then loops that sampled part he played, and then he plays OVER that, and sings. It was extremely cool.

The Mountain Goats played a lot of cool songs off their new album, many of which I enjoyed. John is so fantastic on stage, really. I could really get romantic here about what makes him great, but I'll refrain.

I have infinite homework to get done. It kind of sucks but I guess its nice that I'm not doing *anything* on a Saturday night so I can at least get some of it done. Sub-Saharan Africa has been kicking my ass lately only because I've had difficultly finishing my papers on time mostly due to a lack of interest. Yes Lacy, I've read "Heart of Darkness", I read it four years ago, I don't want to read it again. =( One thing I've been most impressed with myself about is my attendance. I've been going to class? Wtf I know, crazy!

I don't think I'll be able to attend class next semester because of Financial Aid, I'll have to work to pay off this semester on my own (or get a little help from hollywood, which should theoretically happen) which should be just fine. Either way, school is going fine.

This girl Arielle and I have kept up the chatting, which is a good sign! I'm pretty bad at these early stages of what could become a relationship, I'm in her words "A ball of nervous energy" which describes me pretty well. I swear I read every message I send to her 10 times to make certain it is up to my inteligent standards and so forth. Sure, that makes me sound crazy, but really, I just don't want to fuck this up. The last three 'crushes' I've had I feel like I've goofed it somewhere, and ended up blaming myself. Arielle is really cool, and I'd hate to say something stupid or come off as a jerk randomly. Not that I would do either of those things, but the mind is a dangerous thing...

Anywho, I'm off for now,

-John

---

The Fuck

I drilled you like your
blood was oil. Those slender
fingers - pierce me with your
nails again.

Although I had penetrated you,
your eyes remained the same open stance.
Nothing was peaceful, it was not one of
those "emotional fucks" No,

it was less the meeting of our
eyes than the mutilation of
mechanism. The clockwork piercing
of flesh, the bleeding from my back,

the way you gasped for air guiding
my hands to your neck. This was visceral,
the dragging of my genitals through the mud;
my mind had never been so far from sex.

I'm on my feet, Im on the floor, I'm good to go. All I need is just to hear a song I know.

The corner, the bus stop,
the place to be at ten o'clock PM
commenting on how this fair city
appeals to my sensibility of
seeing the stars.

Like penguins, in suit and tie
(in coat and scarf)
standing silent.

----

After the usual "OMG WE HAVE TO PAY RENT !@#!@DD!!!@ !GGRG@K#!!" scramble that occurs around this time of month, we are all caught up on all our bills and rent was paid fine. Tonight I have a concert to attend to, and I am oh-so excited about this one. John Darnielle, The Mountain Goats, The High Noon, oh god I feel an orgasm coming on. (Its like I slide sexual induendo in there even when I'm being blatantly sexual!)

Today was about as normal as you can imagine though, I woke up fairly late, went for a jog, gathered up some cashola for the rents, and wrote Arielle and email. Really, it doesn't get far too much more eventless than that, but hopefully this concert will make up for it! I hope he plays Gameshows Touch Our Lives, and Going to Georgia more than anything, that'd make my week for certain.

---

I've never seen such a beautiful beautician.

Today was...awesome.

So I woke up, did the whole class thing, slept, and then met up with a girl whom I had met online. Her name is Arielle (R-E-L to say, not like the little mermaid.) and let me tell you, it was fantastic meeting her.

She gave me her phone number via email, and at around 2:30 I was on the bus headed downtown to meet her. I called her up and said we should meet outside the museum on statestreet, we did, and I sheepishly presented myself (wearing only the finest of attire) and offered to shake her hand. Since we were downtown we walked around and introduced ourselves inside the art museum, which was very fun. I told her about how I'm a magic player and I do a lot of traveling, and that I'm a writer and whatnot. She told me about opera, and we commented on the art. It was just fine.

Then we had plans to go back to my place to watch a movie. We caught the four just in time to be completely bombarded by high school kids, which brought on some fun talk of our high school days. Turns out she is from the same area of chicago that I grew up in (northwest suburbs) and we were both familar with the areas we formerly lived in. We arrived promtly at my house, where I gave George his buspass and introduced him to Arielle. The house was empty, and I turned on some tunage and we passed about an hour just talking about whatever. Interestingly enough we never ran out of things to talk about, and she comes off as very inteligent, but in a very quirky way. Her hair is short (and when I say short, I mean short) which I like a ton, and she smiled a lot, it was nice.

So we sat around and talked as I mentioned, then we threw in "The Matrix" on my brother's PS2 and we spent most of the first fifty or so minutes continuing our talking from before, and after that we did some cuddling and watched with some meager comments here and there about the amazingness of the movie's structure. We both had awesome things to say about the movie itself (structure, plot, developement, etc) which made for very interesting conversation. Afterwards, I noted that her bus wasn't coming for about forty minutes, so...I kissed her? Yes, I'm not one to do such rash things, really, its not really 'me' per se to be so agressive, but I had a gut feeling that things were going so well, even if she wasn't cool with it things would blow over fine, plus I'm totally suave when presenting such ideas (kissing and so forth) I basically referenced a discussion I had had with my Australian mate Bradley regarding kissing on the first date, and when its apropriet. I personally felt like the first date kiss was a thing that wasn't really going to happen all to often, but he said if a girl is coming over to your house you should certainly go for it if things are going well. I asked her for her opinion on the matter, she said something to the effect of 'depends on the girl' which I took as a green light, and jammed it. We talked for a while longer, I walked her to the bus, we kissed, and done. Amazing night ;)

Afterwards I was kind of adrenalined out (so much nerve usage...) so I took a small nap before Kalen texted me saying we were going to watch dexter and have a few drinks over at his place. Thirty minutes and a couple mohitos later I was having a blast and hanging out with friends. I can't say I've been more pleased with a day in a long, long time.

Tomorrow I have a concert with Katrina to go to - The Mountain Goats! I'm so thrilled to be able to see him again, that man, John Darnielle, how impressive can one person be. A far better poet that myself he is! (And Yoda, I am?)

Side note to long time readers of my blogs - I've set to invisable a lot of previous blog entries. I've been meeting a lot of people lately, and a lot of people have access to my blog. I figure that it is better than I tell them darker things about my best, my feelings and my general emo'ness personally, rather than have them read it in its irrational distrought in poetic verse. Its not a matter of embaressment really, more a matter of wanting information to be provided as I see fit, not as much as one is inclined to read.

That wraps up one hell of a blog entry. Good luck to my friend Adrian Sullivan who is having surgery tomorrow (though I don't know for what) you'll be fine buddy!

-John

All expectations just surgically take what's theirs and vanish.

There is one person, on a website in which I submit poetry to who always comes back with the most amazing reviews. I read them, and my heart leaps, its like he knows what I'm saying, he GETS the content of my work, he knows when I'm not writing from personal experience, and he knows when I am, and when I am not he tells me about what its like. He is near 60 it seems, quite an older fellow. His review of my poem today, was staggering.


"If you could change the gender of the protagonist, you'd have my last days with my Dad. It didn't help that I was a wimp, unable to look at needle -going in, coming out, docile... So I kept his blanket up a lot and lied to myself. I knew I only had to lie for under two weeks. It lasted six days.

He smoked too much.

The second verse had that humorous red-herring feel that the staff felt necessary to heave my way, but it never fit. Bless them for trying. My assumption is that none of them had to bury a parent yet.

"....watching the tubes like roadways puncture into the concrete of her skin..." was quite a turn of a phrase that was not overkill, yet brought a point home solidly, and with your autograph as did "...pixelated tan Savannah - her skin...": Both are satisfying morsels of information around a topic where a dissatisfying situation lords over every aspect.

Under the law that states that morose topics can, and often do make fine reading, this one is a stellar example. "

I felt great about his comments on my work, really great. I always make sure to write him back and let him know how much I apreciate it.

This is a poem written by him, Paul W. Murray

falling out-of-love is different

It's so easy to feel,
when falling in love,
how days blossom fully
into lush expectations.

But the feel of falling
out-of-love never
tints anyone's
expectations dark, no,

all expectations
just surgically
take what's theirs
and vanish.

My review is as follows:

"Hello again Paul, nice to see more work of yours here. I haven't been reviewing/posting much because of some real-life stress, oddly enough, it shares much with your piece. I just got out of a two and a half year relationship, she fell out of love, as she says. When reading this I wondered if that is what she felt like. I hope that is what it felt like to her, rather than just so plain as one would imagine it.

Days blossoming into expectations is probably the most accurate thing that is said in your poem. Yes its fair that by anyone's telling you can spend your afternoon strolling in a museum with that other whom you find so significant, with her only dreaming of wedding bands and candlelit dinners. It is so easy to look to the future when the present is so beautiful, and vise-versa when you are staring down loneliness in the face.

If expectations were anything, they would be the grim reaper, stealing away your preconceived notions of whats to come. This is detailed amazingly here, and I appreciate the writing. "

Sorry if that bit was boring, I just wanted to put into the permanency of the internet how much I appreciate his work, and why.

Today was...boring. I am going to see the Meat Flower with Katrina tomorrow.

It rains on the city traffic puzzle - shifting pieces like my stomache were both so upset~

I'm rarely really 'excited' for anything these days. Sure, I often find myself heavily anticipating something as simple as a Magic event, but most often than not, I'm just going through life, waiting for my big break (well, waiting for the repercussions of my big break, as I've already had it) or just sort of taking everything day by day. Really, I've often found that the things that excite me the most, are often the most irresponsible, or spontaneous things about.

In this particular case, I've met a girl, named Arielle. She seems absolutely fantastic, let me tell you a few things about her. She is a Junior at UW Madison, a Vocal Performance major (wow!) who sings in operas and the like at the UW, which seems absolutely fantastic. She likes writing creative fiction, and generally seems very intelligent. I have a date with her on thursday, and we plan to watch some horror films together. It is a genre of which I do not particularly enjoy (as my close friends can attest to, looking at you Nicole and Madison) but it should be fun. Its interesting that our first date will most likely be at one of our apartments, usually you go out to a nuetral environment, but I'm not against this.

Suffice to say, Im very excited.

We have to pay rent on Friday, and I don't know if Madison and I can afford the GP. I really, REALLY want to go, I feel like I have such a solid understanding of this format, and that I WILL do well at this event, if I can go. I'm getting my paycheck from Chedy for 75$ (three articles) and I don't really know if that will get me there alone. We'll have to see how things pan out, regardless, I wouldn't want to go if it meant leaving Madison behind as well. That would be really unfair to him.

Im happy that some people have attained some enjoyment from reading my blog. I never intended this space to really be more than a public expression of my personal thoughts, but a lot of people have mentioned how much they enjoy reading about the day to day life of a total bum. Thanks to all of you, I really apreciate it.

--------

The Meat Flower

It was the one time, the
'once and a while'
when the meat flower bloomed.

She had told me how much
she wanted to gaze upon the meat
flower, the corpse stench
hanging off each leaf, the thick
ominous stem shooting up from
the ground. I thought to myself
in those days that there
is nothing I'd rather do
than smell the rotting
flesh of the meat flower -
with her hand
in mine.

There is nothing
more factual to me
now than the smell of
rotting meat.

I know one thing, I'll be one tough act to follow.

I have a lot of respect for Eminem as a raper. His more introspective songs are lyrically so deep and meaningful, even if typically I have no desire to listen to his music. He said that one thing that makes me confident in who I am as a person. I may have left the stage, but I'll be one tough act to follow; and she knows.

The last couple days have progressed as usual. I've had some interesting discussion with my mother today on Walt Witman, an author whom neither of us as had an affinity for as far as reading his material is concerned, but he is a revolutionary in American poetry, regardless. That self reflection, that idea of discribing things that happen to you in your life in exetensialism. That is all Walt.

Of the people I have met lately, one that has stuck out strangely is a girl whom approached me randomly, and without notice through facebook. An ex of a magic player I know, her name is Amber. I wouldn't expect at any given time for a random girl who I do not know to come out of the woodwork and basically up-front hit on my over the internet. She lives in Janesville, and I've been talking to her a lot lately. She is relatively interesting, though I don't know if its even possible to have a relationship with her due to the huge distance issue (I do not drive, obviously) and the fact that she works/goes to school so it appears as though she has a very busy schedule, sucks.

There was something there with Katie Lee, but it seems like all girls she ran off. She doesn't talk to me at all anymore, either through phone or text, which is the 100% opposite of what she was doing when I wasn't acting interested in her. I swear she only wanted me when I didn't want her, and then the moment I'm interested she runs off. Some people are so rediculous.

And the final female in my life, whos name I will not disclose, seems pretty promising. She lives in Madison, is a slam poet, likes museums and book readings, and seems generally awesome. I don't know a ton about her though, so we'll see how that pans out.

As for non girl related stuff, I'm mostly just hanging out. I'm suprised to find how easy it has been to meet people for me, as prior to dating Katie, girls were never interested in me. I don't know how to react now that I literally have FOUR girls who could be potential dating partners. Its like, what? How did THAT happen. I'm not even trying particularly hard. I've mostly just been working on getting my own personal life together, as soon I will be in the buisiness of looking for a house, buying a car, etc. I want things to be going well BEFORE that happens, I want to be happy first and foremost.

That is all for today. My plans for the week are limited. I feel so bored these days.

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns, slowly.

Hello world.

Oh things...they are so uneventful. Human interaction is such an intricate web, so complex, so silly. As smart as I want to be, or think I am I can never quite grasp certain things, though lately I've been far less frustrated at my incompetence.

I've found that Erykka and Jasper broke up. I was actually very disheartened to hear this, as much as things were complex, or stupid between Jasper and I, and the bizarre fighting that happened over Erykka was stupid, but regardless, I am sad that they broke up. All that drama, a lost friend (and someone who I feel could have been so much more than a friend, a best friend even) and now they are apart. I don't know any details, and I'm not that interested in knowing. The fact that Erykka and I parted on negative terms now means its unlikely I'll ever get my book back, or she'll ever get some clothing she dumpstered from my house. I'll just have these things on my shelf until I clean them out, and who knows when that is. Interestingly enough, for only the short month or two I knew Erykka, I told her things that I had never told anyone in my entire life, perhaps thats the only real connection I feel. She seems competent at keeping secrets though and I trust that they are being kept.

I went over to Katrina's house tonight to get my hair cut. We hung out for about an hour and a half I'm guessing. It was probably the highlight of my day, but she seemed less than thrilled to have spent any time with me. It is probably the best that way, my interest in her will dwindle faster if she doesn't care about my company. Its hard to throw those past two years away, those individual days. I am guilty for all of it.

I am tired, and I feel negatively about the world somehow. My poetry has been reflecting change, I want it so bad.

The wheels were of a locomotive,
a cycling steel horse with fleshy muscles
pounding against the metal spurs -
giddy up.

I had traced my way to your house on the sky,
like a trapese artist walking along the dipping
and rising powerlines I followed the usual route.
It is like I could smell you from outside your window,

laying peacefully your eyes neglected to
open at the gust of wind with my arrival.
I wanted murder.
I felt sick, and stumbled home in the darkness.

Do I mean what I say, or is it just this disease ~

So not too much has been going on, but I have been furthering my life on a day to day basis. hehe.

So thursday came around, and I ended up hanging out with Becky downtown for a few hours. We walked around the museum, albeit both of us were extremely exhausted from having not slept a wink the night before. There was some very boring politically motivated art on the 2nd floor of the museum, that I do not suggest anyone go see. It was very boring art. The exhibit closest to state street was under construction as they were putting up something new there, so we did much less museum time wasting than we had hoped.

Afterwards, we took a walk down statestreet to a store where Becky's friend works. I do not recall her name, but she was very cool and fun to talk to, and we all sort of stood around distracting her from her work, talking about a terrible old daycare job they both had, and generally having a good time laughing/joking around and telling stories. We did her friend a favor and did a starbucks run for her, and then did a bit more talking before I had to take the bus home, and supposedly meet up with my friend Katie Lee around 6 at my house.

On the bus, there was a very complex situation involving the police, assault, and events that had happened prior involving kids who attend East high school beating the snot out of some random guy. I got off the bus before the police bust was going to happen, involving all those kids who beat him up getting arrested and him pressing charges. Pretty anxious bus ride, I REALLY wanted to get off haha. When I got home, I found that Katie wasn't actually going to be coming over, and she had to cancel because of family issues involving her cousin cutting his hand quite deep. I got a 5$ pizza with Madison, ate half, and then promptly passed out for two hours.

In the morning I woke up around 5am. Lately, my ex Katrina and I have not been talking whatsoever, or at least, very minimally, but I basically talk her that if she wants to talk to me theres no reason in being miserable and bored and not doing so. She's going to be reading my blog and keeping track of what I'm doing on a day to day basis (because shes kind of nosey, but thats not a bad thing in this case, she just cares about me) via facebook or otherwise. I told her I might go to freak fest with her (I do want to go, but I'd have to have a costume...) if she'll have me, but it would breach the no seeing eachother contract set in place.

So I went to a PTQ, sucked, didn't make top8, and now I am at home after a weekend of card slinging at 4am on my blog updating it for fun. Not too exciting, but I have finished my poetry manuscript and submitted it, which is something I look forward to hearing back on. I want to read more poetry at avols next week as well. It never seems like I have a chance to do so, so I'm going to tell my sub saharan africa teacher I'm ditching class! :P

-John

a name and a poem

Arielle was a real tiger, a one of a kind
springjack puppet bursting out from
that mechanical box after you had
wound it. One hell of a girl.

She was like those wild
boars on the discovery network, at
four am, I'd watch her hunt vivaciously
with her pressured round stomach.

Arielle always believed what I told her.
It was why our relationship could have
survived as long as it did, though I can't
say offhand that I ever lied; I wanted to.

Hasn't anybody learned, don't ever trust a man who plays guitar.

Oh dear, well, since I woke up at 5pm yesterday, I'm running the 'stay up all night plan' today. So I have three lovely classes that should go by swimmingly on no sleep, and in between the classes I'm meeting up with my friend Becky downtown. I blew off some 'plans' we had twice, but they were sort of vague 'lets do something' type plans, so I think they were both 1/2 of a blow off, and together make one time worth of standing her up for no reason. That was complex, woah. Either way we're going to stroll about the museum, hopefully! :]

Ive been taking a lot of cute pictures of myself on my phone for no reason (I think largely out of boredom) so I will perhaps post a few. That sounds like a killer way to kill some time!

Regardless, today is the beginning of a new me, I'm going to watch the sunrise, drink coffee, engage in my responsible responsibilities, hang out with friends and enjoy myself as much as possible!

And in my dreams, I am dirty broke, beautiful and free.

Class tomorrow, boooooo so sad. :[

I skipped out on this house party I *really* wanted to go to in order to do work. Being responsible is extremely hard, I need to get better at it >.> I'm just sad I had to pseudo stand-up Becky, because I said I'd be there and ended up not going. She seems laid back enough to not care. o.o

I got coffee with Katie yesterday. It was nice to go out and do something with her and we should more often. The whole being friend with an ex thing still totally sucks for me, but whatever, I'm too passive and unwilling to do anything about it that I don't. Even if I were to try doing something about it I'd chicken out. I guess I'll just be at her whim till I find some other girl to actually be with. Kinda sucks I guess.

My new phone came, its a Samsung Impression. Let me tell you something, its basically an iphone. Its totally insane! I have tons of my music on it, pictures, videos, etc, AND I can browse the internet, update facebook, etc. I feel as though the last thing I need to keep my life on track right now is another totally insane electrical gadget but theres nothing I can really do about my mom randomly going out and buying one for me. (thanks mom O.o)

The PTQ this last weekend was ok. I ended up finishing 5-2 (last time 6-2) to miss top8 by the last round yet again. Its extremely frustrating to be plagued by this "almost" getting there trend that has been going on with me for a while. x-2 is not the player I am, I'm much better than that and I need to work harder to get there (while doing school stuff etc)

Speaking of school, financial aid called me to say that because I dropped too many classes the last semester I took school they would be unable to actually give me any money for THIS semester, so I have to come up with 1,100$ on my own, AND pay it before I can take anymore classes. Decent shot of having to get a 30 hour a week job + my TCG job and just never play any magic because all of it has to go to paying tuition. Talk about a totally blowout, I still have no idea what Im going to do about all this. -_-

This weekend there is a PTQ in minneapolis that I really want to go to. If my money comes from TCG player then I'lld 100% be able to go, and I bet I can get madison to loan me 50$ for sure np. 30$ for entry, 10$ for gas, 10$ for food is my plan for the weekend hopefully that works out. My friend from Chicago Micheal Lampert might be coming up friday night to hang out and then drive up with us before the event, which would be totally insane. O_O

Anywho, that is all.

-John